Trophy Wife Recap: 'There's No Guy in Team'

If you’re like me, you’ve been missing our beloved Trophy Wife, so it was nice to see a new episode last night.

The episode opens with the twins having some friends over. Hillary’s friends are not having ice cream while they talk about boys, as Kate suggests they might. They are amending the student government constitution. And Warren’s friend is his mom. Because that way he knows his mom approves of his friend, and he knows his friend thinks his mom is cool. So many healthy, well-developed people in this scenario.

Meg is over at 8 am the next morning, apparently not on purpose. She pulled into their driveway to avoid a DUI checkpoint further down the street. Kate says she’s worried about Warren and she wants him to have his own crew, not just his mom. Meg suggests putting beers in his lunch. Meg is always full of good ideas. After Warren enters the kitchen, Kate suggests he join a club, but he doesn’t want to do that because everyone in a club is into the same things. Meg suggests he play hacky sack in the parking lot with the burnouts. Warren says standing in the parking lot is dangerous. So it’ll be Diane over again on Friday night, then?

Over at Diane’s house, Hillary is angry because she got a C on her art project. She filibustered her teacher until he said she could redo it, just like Diane taught her! So proud. Hillary asks Diane to help her, but Diane says they need someone who thinks like an average kid who never went to college. Cut to Hillary and Diane on Jackie’s doorstep.

Pete comes into Bert’s room and sees a bunch of expensive stuff. Bert says he bought it with his credit card and then produces the card. You know this isn’t going to end well. Except that Pete’s a lawyer, so it’ll probably end better than it would for you or me.

That afternoon, Warren comes home full of excitement that he joined a sports team. He reveals the uniform of the field hockey team. “Isn’t that a girls team?” asks Kate. “Well it was, but now it’s coed!” exclaims Warren. In what might be the best line all season, Warren then refers to himself as “the Jackie Robinson of the group,” with the caveat that he thinks “she was black.” I struggle to understand how Diane produced Warren, such a guileless child. The good news for him is, he’ll probably never find out the joke’s on him, in any situation, ever.

Back at Jackie’s, Hillary is painting blindfolded. Jackie tells her to paint the essence of the house. The canvas is covered with random brushstrokes in a variety of colors.

Pete is lamenting that anyone would send an 8-year-old a credit card. Bert says it came in the mail and the letter said, “Congratulations Bert” and he said, “Thanks letter!” Have I mentioned that I adore Bert?

Kate goes to confront Warren’s field hockey coach for letting him on the team. His name is Jack Dawson, and he is not amused that Titanic is Kate’s favorite movie. He also has no intention of cutting Warren.

Hillary is in a bedroom at Jackie’s, pouting that she’ll surely end up at Brown instead of Harvard because she can’t paint. Jackie brings her some “creativi-tea,” which, judging from Jackie’s past concoctions, could cure a variety of cancers or could knock out a horse. Jackie says she drinks this particular blend when she’s constipated, so there you have it. She also produces a box of Hillary’s childhood artwork. None of it is especially good, but Hillary is touched that Jackie kept it and feels ready to get back out there.

Arriving home, Pete finds Bert lying on the couch in the living room, watching cartoons while two other little boys clean around him. Pete starts to feel like his idea to have Bert do chores and earn money so he won’t have to use his credit card maybe backfired a little. Bert can’t understand the problem, because he found a way to get the living room clean. Obviously, Bert is going to be a brilliant businessman.

At Jackie’s, Hillary and Jackie are painting with glow-in-the-dark paints and the lights off. Hillary gets a little carried away and throws a whole bucket of yellow paint at her canvas. Most of it gets on the couch. Jackie can’t believe how much BETTER it looks!

In the car, Kate and Warren are discussing clubs he can join. He doesn’t like any of her suggestions and can’t understand why she won’t just let it go. She says that in high school you’re supposed to have friends, not hang out with your mom. He asks if she thinks he’s a loser, and she says no, but she doesn’t want anyone else to think that he is. He doesn’t want to be in the car with her anymore, and this episode’s official “Kate’s stepparent learning curve” moment has climaxed.

The next morning, Warren still isn’t talking to Kate. She talks it over with Meg and says she just doesn’t want Warren to turn into another “Arnold Plopper,” an uncool kid she knew back in the day. They Google Arnold Plopper and it turns out he’s rich and has a hot wife. So Warren’s going to be okay.

Bert is in his room making a thermometer chart to show how much money he’s made. He’s coloring it in up to $4 when his dad comes in and tells him he can’t take their sodas and sell them to other kids. Have I mentioned that Bert’s future in business is very bright? Later on, Bert comes back into the house and tells his dad that it felt good to give all the kids their money back. Pete thinks Bert is finally learning, but you know he’s not. He tells Bert he needs to pay the return shipping fee for all the stuff he bought. Bert pulls out a wad of bills and starts passing them over. Pete asks where he to got all the money and Bert says, “The kids were all so happy to get their money back, they didn’t mind paying $2 for a scooter ride!” Then he tries to charge his dad a dollar for a hug.

Meanwhile, Warren is sitting sadly on the bleachers, watching the field hockey team play. Kate comes in and sits down for a pep talk. The entire team climbs the bleachers and stands over her shoulder, listening to what she says. We all realize that Warren has made some friends after all. Warren then does a terrific job running down the field, cheering, and watching the entire game from the bench, as a Kelly Clarkson power ballad plays. At least he has, according to Kate, “sweet posture.”

Closing credits run over a scene of Warren at his house, playing charades with the entire pillow-fighting field hockey team. In other words, Warren is now the coolest kid ever, and it only took 23 minutes!

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Tags: ABC Recap Trophy Wife

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