This week’s Trophy Wife takes place during spring break, so I guess spring break in Trophy Wife town is in May. Hillary is off to science camp and Pete, Diane, and Warren must all take her there.
Kate’s enjoying some alone time (a.k.a. braless time), but you know alone time is really just T-5 seconds till Jackie shows up. She does, griping about how Sad Steve can’t accompany her to her high school reunion because his mom is in a coma. You might fixate on the coma thing, but I’m confused as to why Jackie is still calling him Sad Steve. I feel like she should either stop doing that or stop dating him. Anyway, it’s not long before Kate agrees to go with Jackie, and just like that, Meg and Tevin are babysitting Bert. Or Bert is babysitting Meg and Tevin. One of the two.
Jackie starts telling Kate about her high school friend Marcy. They used to give each other “the business,” “the cheese,” “the old back and forth.” If this were anybody but Jackie, I’d be pretty sure they were talking about goofing around, but it’s Jackie, so who has any clue what any of that means. Then Jackie runs over a squirrel with the car.
Tevin and Meg are pretending to be Pete and Kate. They are really good at it, so they decide to have a kid. Bert’s friend Adele shows up, and for a minute Tevin and Meg think they are in the wrong house.
On the Lofton College campus, Diane has escorted Hillary off to her camp orientation, so Pete and Warren are at the bookstore. Warren is super excited because the bookstore only sells candy and sweatshirts, and he also saw a guy in the cafeteria mixing five different cereals in one bowl. You start to get the feeling that Warren is going to be the perfect college freshman. However, he feels that maybe he doesn’t need to go to college now that he has the sweatshirt and knows the cereal trick. Pete, desperate to entice Warren, brings up the ladies.
Meanwhile, at orientation, the leader says everyone should go around and say one academic achievement they are especially proud of. Diane, naturally, stands first, though she quickly covers by pretending to introduce Hillary. Hillary is proud that she had a poem published in her school’s literary magazine, but as the camera pans around the room, you know that’s going to be the equivalent of Warren learning the cereal trick compared to what these kids have done. One of them already has her own TED talk.
At the hotel where Jackie’s reunion is being held, both her and Kate’s name tags have the last name “Fisher,” and it turns out Jackie has told everyone they’re married. Cue awkward butt-touching.
After the commercial break, Jackie confesses that high school was tough for her and she didn’t have lot of friends. People made fun of her because she didn’t have friends, so she fake came out. Apparently the ’90s was a great time to do that. Kate feels bad for Jackie and agrees to go along with the wife charade.
Pete takes Warren to a class to try to sell him on the college part of college. Warren is a little upset at first, until the professor announces the class’s title: “Violence in Cinema.”
Back at the Harrison abode, Tevin, Meg, Bert, and Adele are drinking soda and burping. Bert is having a blast because his teeth feel like they’re getting smaller. Meg wants to get Pete and Kate’s “nice wine” and get weird. Tevin says that they always hang out with her friends and they should hang out with his for a change. Meaning Bert and Adele.
Jackie is having a blast pretending to be married to Kate. Kate, not so much. She runs into Marcy on the way to the bathroom and finds out that the story is that Jackie makes all the money while Kate stays at home. This makes Kate upset, so she starts pretending to be Diane, right down to the last shred of self-importance.
Mission accomplished for Pete, because Warren loved the class and is determined to do whatever it takes to get to college, even if it means studying five hours a night. Pete is feeling pretty good about his parenting skills, until Hillary walks by with three baskets of fries. Diane is the failure here because she could not think of one failure to tell Hillary about, and now Hillary’s life is over.
Kate confronts Jackie over her lies. She’s sick of just feeling like arm candy. Jackie says when they go to Kate’s reunion she’ll be any kind of wife Kate wants, and now it’s even more awkward. The episode’s sweet moment occurs when Kate admits to Jackie that she didn’t go to college and she’s embarrassed about it. Jackie says she just wanted to feel like the cool girl for once, and Kate tells her that she’s already way cooler than most of the people in the room. Then Jackie moves in to kiss Kate and tells her she’s been sending mixed signals all night. AWKWARD.
In the Lofton cafeteria, Warren is trying to comfort Hillary. He makes an inspiring speech about a girl who’s his hero, and Hillary understandably thinks he’s talking about her, but he’s really talking about Katniss. No matter, she feels better when he suggests they go see Kill Bill at the student center.
Bert and Tevin are pillow fighting will Meg and Adele take magazine quizzes. Bert asks Meg to join him in the kitchen, where he begs her to get Tevin out of there. She tells him that this one’s on him, right as Tevin completely clocks Adele in the face. Luckily, she’s okay.
The sweet moment between Kate and Jackie is not over because they are still at the reunion. Jackie is about to tell Marcy off, but Kate stops her and pulls her out on the dance floor. She says she wants to dance with the cool girl at the party. Cue adorable hugging.
As they dance, Bert comes in on voice over, speechifying about the various stages of life and how it’s good to know when it’s time to move on to the next one. Since this usually doesn’t happen, it’s pretty obvious he’s actually talking to someone. And he is. Tevin. Who reacts by telling Bert he sucks at burping and punting his stuffed animal across the room.
The episode ends with Kate finding Meg and Tevin in her bed, wearing her and Pete’s pajamas. The top halves anyway. Tevin is wondering about the matter of their payment.