Freeform’s Siren: 7 sure ways to know if your girlfriend is a mermaid (run)
By Ryan Mekkes
Siren on Freeform is a great show and has really caught the attention of the masses. But for guys like myself, who have had the misfortune of dating a mermaid, it’s an embarrassing reminder of the past.
But my time for tears is over now. It’s my turn to take what I’ve learned and share it with the world so that you fellas who are unknowingly dating a mermaid can become aware of this and buy a plane ticket to Mars.
Here are 7 ways to know if you are dating a mermaid…
1. She’s strong… too strong
You can’t go to the gym with her, because it’s just humiliating. She squats more weight than you, she runs further than you, and she’s got more testosterone in her pinky finger than you have in your entire body. And she beats you in arm wrestling. Doesn’t matter if you’re using one arm, two arms, or the help of a buddy — she always wins. It’s like she’s not even trying.
Look, I know there are (so many) women out there who can beat a dude any day in arm wrestling. But if you’re using more than one arm, she’s a mermaid — so sorry.
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2. She knows directions better than you (and it’s not even close)
You’re like… “babe, I know where I’m going.” And she’s like, “no you don’t, you should have turned left back there” And you argue back and forth for a minute before that painful moment comes when you realize — she’s right.
And it doesn’t just happen once; it happens all the time — as in, every time you go somewhere together. If she’s just a little too good with directions, it’s not your fault… she’s a mermaid.
Take it from me — don’t let her underwater directional skills make you question your manliness.
3. She always wants Sushi
This is good and bad. Because, on the bright side, you never have to try to figure out what she wants to eat (for like, an hour at a time). But on the negative side, she just won’t eat anything else.
And if you try to suggest, maybe, tacos or something, she just looks at you all crazy and starts hissing at you. Like… sorry, girl! I thought Mexican sounded good, but whatever… okay, fine — Sushi it is.
If you’re eating a little too much Sushi, she’s a mermaid — sorry, bro.
4. She’s faster than Michael Phelps
She might suggest that the two of you swim to the closest island, or to that dock way off in the distance. You’re thinking that this is the time to show off your swimming speed and impress her with your athleticism — but she loses you after 2 seconds.
If you’re in decent shape and she beats you there by more than 45 minutes, she’s a mermaid. It’s not your fault.
This picture shows two mermaids in their natural habitat.
5. She’s always singing, and not well
Your nice-guy side wants to tell her “wow babe, that’s a really nice song, what a lovely voice.” But she’s just not talented. She thinks she is, but she’s not. And that screechy high note of hers just hurts the eardrums. If she’s singing every fifteen minutes, she’s a mermaid.
6. You’ve tried to break up with her 30 times –but it just doesn’t work
You think to yourself, “I’m done… this is too much, I’m breaking up with this girl.” You think about what you’re gonna say, you start to talk to her, and she just laughs and says, “Get me Sushi.” She’s a mermaid.
7. She starts talking faster when she’s angry
You meant it as a compliment; you really did, (sort of) when you told her that her singing has “great potential.” But she didn’t receive your kindness.
She doesn’t just let you have it; she lets you have it at three times the normal word-rate per minute. And again, she hisses at you like you’re some monster. Chill, girl… goodness! I’ve got one word for you — mermaid.
Next: David Kaye chats about Siren and his role in the hit series
If after reading this list you realize you are in a relationship with a mermaid, know you’re not alone. There are men all over the world who find this out daily.
The best thing to do is to try to find confidence in things like poetry and writing. This was my plan. True manliness is measured by how fast you type beautiful words on a keyboard, not how much you can squat. (And maybe start working out in secret too.)
Siren airs new episodes every Monday only on Freeform.