A dude’s Vanderpump Rules Season 7, Episode 1 power rankings
By Josh Tyler
Previously, on Vanderpump Rules an idiot man broke down all the drama and chaos that took place during Season 6. Now, he updates his rankings in a knee-jerk reaction following one episode of Season 7.
Finally, Season 7 of the greatest reality show of all time has arrived! The Vanderpump Rules gang has returned to SUR for more drinking, partying, and needless drama. But first, a recap on the goings-on during the Vanderpump “offseason.”
Patrick is gone, thankfully, after that incredibly awkward courtship between him and Stassi. Ditto for Rob and god bless because now we don’t have to listen to Scheana croon on and on about how great he is (did you know he once beat Vin Diesel in an arm wrestling contest?).
But where does that leave the rest of the Vanderpump cast? Jax and Brittany were recently broken up, he was relieved of his SUR uniform and left wandering the streets of West Hollywood to bang whatever wannabe actress crosses his path.
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The Toms continue to work towards breaking ground at TomToms while still balancing work with relationships. Sandoval and Ariana are still the best couple in the history of reality TV, making googly eyes and tempting all of us with how beautiful their offspring might be (commoners like myself wouldn’t dare let our gaze linger upon them). Schwartz and Katie are doing better as he tries to become a real man, and she lovingly tries to guide him to adulthood.
Scheana and Stassi are single, Lala is still with Elon Musk (at this point I’m just going to randomly guess rich billionaires as her mystery man until the show tells us who it is), and Katie and Carter are still the show’s most forgettable couple. James and Raquel are still together as well all cry through our televisions that she can do so much better.
Last, but certainly not least, Lisa Vanderpump is back to rule her queen-dom with the First Man of West Hollywood, Ken. She continues to conquer the world and my heart as she remains the greatest businesswoman this side of the pond. Under her tutelage, this group of sorry misfits may finally shape up…but likely not. Anyway here’s where the Vanderpump Rules cast rank after one episode.