The Toe Bro on A&E is the guilty pleasure you need in your life

Get your feet wet with The Toe Bro, a shocking guilty pleasure that puts people back on their feet with treatments that sometimes look like torture.

If you enjoy guilty pleasure shows, The Toe Bro is au-toe-matic. It’s completely mandatory. Once you start watching this amazing and disgusting show, you won’t be able to kick the habit.

While other shows may attempt to follow the groundbreaking footsteps, The Toe Bro is a step ahead of the rest. Registered chiropodist Jonathan Tomines is The Toe Bro, a foot specialist who followed in his father’s footsteps, and treats an array of cringe-worthy feet.

Start with the lead foot

The Toe Bro is going to be a disgusting, guilty watch for A&E. Everything ingrown and filled with fungus is on the list of patients. No foot selfies are being taken; no stilettoes are being worn. Guaranteed.

The Toe Bro

The Toe Bro – Pictured: Dr. Jonathan Tomines (A&E Networks Press Center)

An example of the typical patient is Kelly, a former dancer with streaked hair whose toe pain has restricted her movement. Her big toes have ingrown nails like waning crescents, and The Toe Bro says they are serious. After two small injections, like mosquitoes on either side of the big toe, Doctor Tomines starts stabbing with a metal tool. Several inches into the side of the toe he slams in the awl. Stab! Stab!

Industrial-sized toenail clippers follow with sickening, lengthwise crunches, like cockroaches under boots. With very minimal subtlety, he grabs a pair of medical pliers, squeezes down on the chopped, ingrown portion, and gator-rolls everything out. Attached meat included. If you’re still here, and not projectile vomiting into a pile of mashed potatoes, it gets better.

Quick shockers

In between the major issues there are several “minor” procedures that receive less attention, like singers on The Voice whose entire audition isn’t televised. One guy has a massive blister near his big toenail, and it has to be removed. To avoid infection, the nail has to go as well. An initial scrape acts as the toehold, the scalpel scrapes, and a forceful removal follows.

Another quickie is labeled “Fearsome Footage,” and it’s a garden variety blister. Unfortunately, they were stopping their car like Fred Flintstone, and it’s on the heel. A scalpel and a pool of blood later, the patient is all better…even if my stomach isn’t. Expect some of this footage to inspire the next Hostel sequel.

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Those aren’t human toes

Lloyd’s case is the most disgusting. He has diabetes, which limits circulation. Ability to bend down and cut nails is also limited, apparently, because Nosferatu is jealous of this dude’s daggers.

Dr. Tomines calls them pincer nails. Understandable, because lobsters can only dream of such weapons. Subliminal pictures of chicken claws splice the procedure, and the eventual result is human feet.

Cracked Heels

Ho hum. At this point, simple cracks are nothing for my cast iron stomach. Or so I think. Slow-motion skin flakes fly off like skeet.

Once all the shaving is done, she’s ready to get her feet wet and wear shoes she bought as mementoes for the occasion.

WTF Edward

If Athlete’s Foot is a High School diploma, Edward has two Ph.D.’s. One for each big toe. When his kids get in trouble he can’t even put his foot down, because they might step on it. Dr. Tomines looks at this dude’s first toe and nearly gasps, because it looks like it lost a battle with an anvil.

He starts out on the wrong foot, however, because the other foot is a medical emergency. Both have pus-like juicy tomatoes.

Perhaps the most brutal operation the entire season — keep in mind this is the first episode of The Toe Bro — there are entire chunks of this dude’s toe that get cut off. Both sides.

At the end, the nail is a third the size, and so is the toe, which now looks like a hat Devo would wear. Dr. Tomines whipped it good.

If you can stop hiding your eyes, this is must-watch television every week. The Toe Bro airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on A&E.