My Feet Are Killing Me Season 1 Episode 1: First to worst

You know that thing where you swallow a lot just before vomiting? Well, My Feet Are Killing Me is a lot like that, but with feet that fuel nightmares.

My Feet Are Killing Me is kick-started by a warning that viewer discretion is advised. Also, the sun rises in the East and sets in the West. Dr. Ebonie Vincent and Dr. Brad Schaeffer are ready to help their patients get back on their feet.

Let’s kick it.

1. Morgan’s twelve toes.

Honestly, this chick has more to worry about than a sixth toe on each foot. She’s well over 300-lbs., is very socially awkward, bears a strong resemblance to wrestling manager Paul Bearer, and writes paranormal erotic romance. The extra toes are really double pinkies, with each foot making a tiny peace sign on the edge. Snip snip, bone saw, amputating done. Dr. Schaeffer and the other very attractive doctor are done.

2. Stacy’s infected wound.

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The bottom of her right foot looks like it has two bones growing through the middle of it, and has extreme bruising through to the heel. The rest of it looks like a second degree burn. It’s obviously infected. And if it gets wet, the entire thing is a mess. There are definitely no family hikes in this household.

The surgery involves Dr. Vincent carving out a huge chunk of meat on the bottom of Stacy’s foot. If you think you have high arches, you’re second at best. A skin graft is next, and at the follow-up appointment, her foot looks like the inside of a jelly doughnut instead of a mistreated Civil War battle wound.

2. David’s mummified feet.

Removing David’s socks is absolutely disgusting. Guarantee David has NEVER put lotion on his feet. The toenail fungus almost appalls Dr. Schaeffer. The flakes of skin come off like a croissant. And his toenails look like those disgusting, crusty, short McDonald’s french fries you leave in the bag when you’re just about full. Unfortunately, David is a hemophiliac, and there is no way anyone could traverse the landmine of his feet without drawing blood. Second toe in and Dr. Schaeffer has his red badge of courage.

The rest of the procedure was more like wood-working than podiatry. A dremel was involved, and it VERY similar to the Dumb and Dumber pedicure scene.

TLC has another one of those shows that will make you cringe the entire episode, and vomit if you have a weak constitution. How these doctors do it is beyond me.

My Feet Are Killing Me airs Thursdays on TLC.