My Feet Are Killing Me Season 1, Episode 5: First to worst

Hammer toes! Short toes! Webbed toes! Long toes! Welcome to the My Feet Are Killing Me circus tent. Please pay the bearded lady before entering.

On the last episode of My Feet Are Killing Me, there was a nudist, a guy who never clipped his toes, and extra toes. This episode features a short toe, a wrong colored toenail, and a consistent desire to vomit like I poured ipecac in my Cheerios this morning.

Dr. Ebonie Vincent is somehow more gorgeous than the last episodes, and Dr. Brad Schaeffer could be on the cover of Men’s Fitness.

Dude, wash your feet

A kid comes in to get a disgusting toenail removed. The nail is lifting up, and appears to have multiple layers. On the other hand, the nail may be part oyster or blood from a xenomorph.  It’s gross, and Dr. Brad decides the best answer is to pop it off like a bottle cap.

It’s difficult to watch because, other than the anesthetic, it’s just plucking the thing off. What’s left is a mini-hotdog inside the skin of the toe. Gross stuff.

Holly’s webbed toes

Holly is

51

31-years old, has webbed toes, and is ready to sail the seas with Kevin Costner on a quest to find dry land.

Unfortunately, she can’t wear store-bought “toe socks” because the toes are super friendly with one another. Really friendly. On each foot the #2 and #3 are sharing skin, like an inverse Vulcan salute.

Rather than just getting swimming lessons or perpetually wearing socks, the 8th grade frog dissection ensues with a special zig-zag pattern. There is a brief blood-flow scare called “white toe,” but Dr. Brad solves things in a matter of minutes with warm compresses and a free calf massage.

Marshana, the model with the short toe

To be clear, Marshana calls her fourth toe “shrimpy.” To get an idea of what it looks like, just picture someone making the “shocker” symbol with their hand. She has three toes on her right foot, and competing pinky toes. It’s pretty bizarre, real circus performer stuff.

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Shoes tear her up because the ring toe is gone and the other toes rub back and forth, creating sore spots, etc. She wants a toe enlargement to “put her best foot forward.” (Hey, she said it, not me.)

Honest, my first thought was, “wear socks,” but the beautiful Dr. Ebonie says there is also a hammer toe situation. Dr. Ebonie says, “Can’t Touch This” and dances stage left.

The surgery is BRUTAL. Three toes get darker stitches than a brand new football. Dr. Ebonie cuts into this chick’s foot, dives through the bone, stretches it out with roughly 4-5 metal devices from a medieval torture museum, and drills a cadaver bone into uses other bone to stretch out the short toe. No thanks.

My Feet Are Killing Me airs Thursdays with several reasons why I’m not cut out to be a podiatrist.