Who are the singles of the Netflix hit Too Hot to Handle?

Move over Tiger King! Too Hot to Handle is the next binge-worthy show on Netflix. It’s time to introduce the cool cats and kittens.

Netflix has another hit on their hands. Too Hot to Handle is a combination of Temptation Island, Breaking Amish, and Love is Blind. Ten singles walk into a reality show thinking it’s going to be a hedonistic holiday.

Unfortunately for them, this paradise includes a robot-voiced guide named Lana who suggests chastity and meaningful relationships rather than intimacy.

The concept

All the people on the show are serial hook-up artists with “body counts” in the hundreds. In a show where one guy brings his own personal stash of body lotions and sunscreens, this is the opposite of Little House on the Prairie.

Picture five, buff Quagmires pursuing five women who only withhold sex for the amount of time it takes to disrobe. They consider hooking up as simple as swiping right; the situation couldn’t be more perfect. Add the $100,000 prize, and this is essentially “The Contest” from Seinfeld amplified.

The women

The women on Too Hot to Handle are definitely not ingénues ripe for the taking. They are on the prowl as much as the men.

Chloe

She’s very attractive, but quite thin. And admittedly stupid. She’s a 20-year old brunette with one of those obnoxious British accents, and considers dating apps to be her part-time job. A trashy tattoo defiles one of her thighs, which she doesn’t think she can keep closed all summer.

Haley

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Prototypical dumb blonde, doesn’t know where Australia is, wants a nose job, has a tattoo on her back in a language foreign to her, and constantly plays with her hair. Surprising nobody, she’s proud of attending frat parties, is salty when others receive attention, and could, like, maybe be bisexual. Basically the dumb parts of the Alabama Alpha Phi recruitment video.

Francesca

Picture a Bond girl and a Kardashian, then improve the body, and you get Francesca. She’s an exotic Canadian who takes a ton of selfies, is proud of her boobs, and one of the first things she mentions is her 310,000 online followers. Nobody cares. Also, she nearly has sex on the first day.

Nicole

Who knew Irish people were into Kabuki makeup? Dirty-blonde hair obscures a face that is more canvass than body part. Her alluring Irish accent is her primary honeypot. Easily the last choice on the island.

Rhonda

The lone black female who rates herself a 10/10, Rhonda has multiple suitors almost immediately. Her self-proclaimed nice butt is offset by nails that make it difficult to wipe said butt. Tattoos and being spoiled are her turn-ons, but she’d basically settle for a guy who is employed.

The men

The men of Too Hot to Handle were no doubt thinking this was going to be a sex vacation. No doubt a crew full of Tucker Max followers.

Sharron

He’s a ripped, diminutive, Jersey guy who studies women and gender studies in college to bed women. It’s not like the job market demands that degree. His dark, tattoo-covered skin, and confidence from a penis he compares to a can of air freshener, entices the on island women and earns him the first kiss.

David

This buff, British gentleman “loves a sex party,” and says having an English accent in America is like having a 12-in dick. His words. I guess that makes two air freshener cans. This Tom Holland clone uses his “let me put sunscreen on you”-move twice within mere hours of arrival, but masks a more emotional side.

Harry

As the only Aussie male on island, he really fancies dirty talk and has DM’d all the Kardashians. It should come as no surprise he immediately flocks to the only Kardashian lookalike on island. He uses his accent, floppy hair, and mischievous smile to win women over. His uncouth playboy routine is definitely polarizing, but highly effective.

Matthew

From Colorado, Matthew exudes the stoner, yoga, baggy clothes, beanie-wearing, discount Jason Mamoa vibe. He says he’s a lot to handle sexually, but his lack of game and concern for the prize money says there are other priorities in life. His role on the show is almost purely for the insertion of Jesus lighting graphics.

Kelz

Self-proclaimed “King of the Jungle,” Kelz is a huge, suave guy you’d mistake for Michael Strahan if you saw him from behind. He loves the Lion King (probably Tiger King too) and has slept with “less than a thousand” women. His guesstimate. His immediate accountant role has him tracking money lost and indiscretions.

Tune into Netflix and binge Too Hot to Handle before all the memes take over the internet.