Married at First Sight Season 12, Episode 3: Updated odds of success

Jacob & Haley star in Season 12 of Married at First Sight, airing Wednesday nights at 8/7c on Lifetime. Photo by Courtesy of Lifetime Copyright 2021
Jacob & Haley star in Season 12 of Married at First Sight, airing Wednesday nights at 8/7c on Lifetime. Photo by Courtesy of Lifetime Copyright 2021 /
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Married at First Sight snookered viewers by saving the best, most unbelievable couples for last. One is downright scandalous and will dominate the series.

Recall from the last episode of Married at First Sight, three couples are already married. Virginia and Eric started off with a shot (wink). Clara and Ryan started strong. Finally, Briana and Vincent are near perfection.

That leaves Haley and Jacob, as well as Paige and Chris. The former is going to be interesting, but the latter will provide more drama than Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Married at First Sight Season 12 – The Updated odds of success

Haley and Jacob

Jacob has zero game. Haley isn’t exactly perfect and has a history of running off anyone who isn’t Prince Charming.

Chemistry, nonexistent. She wants a wild, jet-setting lifestyle with Thanksgivings in Rome and ski trips in Zermatt. Jacob looks older than a 38-year-old video game-playing Rob Gronkowski. (Rob Grownkowski?)

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Their first glance is positive. She is pretty, but not completely out of his league. Her smile lights up the room, thanks in part to some liquid courage. Her father encouraged a pre-wedding escape plan. No doubt she would normally have gone through with it upon seeing Jake, but he’s overshadowed by his disheveled groomsman with an unkempt beard, sloppy tie, and “indie harmonica album”-appearance.

The only commonality is dogs. She’s adventure, vacation, excitement. He’s Donkey Kong, Cindy Lauper, fanny packs (she’s unimpressed). One wonders how the “experts” paired a quirky, self-proclaimed hermit with a woman who casually talks about Thailand and Australia adventures. Their first kiss is predictably awkward. They’re a reboot of Hen-bot 3000 and Christina from last season.

Odds: Previous 60%, Current: 15%

Paige and Chris

Straight dumpster fire. He’s narcissistic, self-centered, childish, and makes everyone pity Paige. They both claim to be focused on Christ, but only Paige is honest.

On paper they match decently. He’s buying a house; she’s a realtor. He owns a Subway franchise; she’s an accountant. Otherwise, nada.

Here’s a quick list of his red flags:

  1. Very recent ex
  2. Cover-up tattoo, which used to be his ex’s name
  3. Mentioning his ex during the dog discussion
  4. An engagement recent enough that they bought milk together and it’s not expired
  5. Chris’s father hits on Paige and licks his lips like LL Cool J stranded in the desert.
  6. Chris’s father says Chris will want frequent sex.
  7. Recent homelessness
  8. He says his ego used to be bad like he got timeline confused in his DeLorean.
  9. “Are you a virgin?”
  10. Not-so-subtle question about her sex drive
  11. Assuming question about contraception
  12. A final question about her Rohypnol tolerance
  13. His multiple day abstinence comment (blowup doll intimacy unclear)
  14. Telling her friends that Paige isn’t a trophy wife
  15. The “fat azz” comment
  16. Talking Honeymoon baby multiple times
  17. “Strong pullout game.” (Future episode previews indicate this is false.)
  18. Indecision on wedding night consummation, as if it’s his choice after the bridesmaids throw an eclipse worth of shade when relaying his lesser qualities to Paige

OK, so I made up number 12, but Chris has some Cosby tendencies and every person responsible for casting him on Married at First Sight should be ashamed.

Odds: Previous 5%, Current: -500%

Virginia and Eric

While talking to Eric’s brother Matt, who is a better-looking version of his brother, Virginia mentions she likes going out again. Any sort of gathering. The only gathering Eric probably likes is Magic: The Gathering.

He’s damn near Mormon, but she’s about to Rumspringa his entire life. She pops champagne before the hotel door closes and initiates a kiss. Little Head>Big Head.

Odds: Previous 10%, Current: 60%

Claire and Ryan

Her friends want to know how he stacks up physically. He laughs and dodges the question with quiet confidence.

Her friends say she’s extremely physical; so, there’s a chance of wedding night fireworks. That is, there would be if she didn’t take an eternity undoing her hair before bed. If it does happen, they have sworn to secrecy (for now). They’re almost too good together.

Odds: Previous 60%, Current 70%

Briana and Vincent

Claire and Ryan are almost too good for one another, trumped only by Briana and Vincent’s perfection. Briana’s father Myron death stares at Vincent during their discussion, but ultimately, he is supportive, and America cheer them more than GameStop traders.

Odds: Previous 80%, Current: 99%

Married at First Sight: Meet the couples. dark. Next

At this point, I don’t see how Chris keeps Paige, or how Jacob and Haley can possibly interest one another. The other three are likely, but those two are finished.

Married at First Sight airs Wednesdays on Lifetime at 8/7c.