The five biggest atrocities leaving Netflix in June

For some reason, horror movies stay way past their expiration date.

Horror movies are the best. Especially when viewed at an urban theater near midnight. The ad hoc script additions are truly enjoyable. Here are two horror movies, however, that should never have been made, much less streamed.

Jason X

The only thing redeemable about this 45th sequel to the original Friday the 13th movie is a hilarious kill. Sure, the rest is brain-dead fun, with disposable nobodies getting stabbed, chopped in half, and smashed in a variety of ways that don’t include a coherent script or acting ability, but it really just comes down to some sleeping bag fun in Jason X.

Double sleeping bag smashing fun! If you don’t enjoy the buildup to that scene, or the scene itself, you clearly were never in the military or a locker room. That’s funnier than anything Wanda Sykes or Pauly Shore has ever said.

In the Army Now

Speaking of Pauly Shore, if he’s starring in any way, it’s essentially toxic waste and qualifies as a horror movie. It’s rumored that as a result of this movie, most of Europe categorizes Pauly Shore as a terrorist.

The craziest part about In the Army Now is how ridiculous it seemed when the movie was made, yet how the cultural shift in America has made the movie more plausible. Discipline in the military has lessened. Standards are nowhere near what they used to be. The PT tests are changing for the fat-body, video-game-playing generation entering service. So maybe Pauly Shore and Andy Dick might actually make it in the military, even if they didn’t make it on Netflix.