78 best Chandler Bing quotes from Friends that will always make us laugh

When it comes to iconic sitcoms, few can hold a candle to NBC’s iconic series Friends which remains one of the most popular shows of all time, despite being nearly 30 years old. Millions grew up watching the show during its run on NBC from 1994-2004, and countless others have since discovered the show over the years thanks to both streaming and the show’s status as one of the most successful shows in syndication.

What continues to make Friends a comfort show for so many fans worldwide is the show’s beloved and relatable characters, each using their own unique personality and comedic style to create one of the most iconic ensembles we’ve ever seen.

Every Friends character was known for delivering iconic lines that live on in the pop culture zeitgeist, but there is no denying that Matthew Perry’s Chandler Bing delivered some of the show’s funniest lines that left audiences doubling over in laughter. Perry was known for his iconic delivery with his impeccable timing and charismatic delivering making Chandler a standout among the ensemble, known for his unique sense of humor, characterized by sarcasm, self-deprecating wit, and a knack for delivering quick, clever one-liners.

Across the ten seasons of Friends, Chandler delivered some of the best and funniest lines of the show. Rounding up the best Chandler Bings feels like an impossible task, but we’ve risen to the challenge and have pulled together a list of the 78 best one-liners, comebacks and general quotes from Chandler!

Best Chandler Bing quotes

1. “I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”

2. “I’m not great at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

3. “When I was younger, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.”

4. “Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”

5. “Until I was 25, I thought that the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh, crap!’”

6. “I’m funny, right? What do you know? You’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.”

7. “I can handle this. ‘Handle’ is my middle name. Actually, ‘handle’ is the middle of my first name.”

8. “We swallow our feelings, even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sounds good?”

9. “It’s always better to lie than to have a complicated discussion.”

10. “I am glad we are having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”

11. “She’s right. If I were a guy and—did I just say, ‘if I were a guy?’”

Relatable Chandler Bing Quotes

12. “It’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed.”

13. “I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”

14. “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!”

15. “I’ve had a very long, hard day.”

16. “It’s a Sunday. I don’t move on Sundays.”

17. “Oh, we’re just sitting here doing nothing. It’s our rehearsal for tomorrow.”

18. “When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”

19. “I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last twelve hundred times.”

20. “What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”

21. “I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.”

22. “I want to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say I don’t have goals!”

Best Chandler Bing one-liners

If there is one thing that Chandler was known for, it was his amazing one-liners which often came out of the blue and never failed to make us laugh.

23. “Nice camouflage. For a minute, I almost didn’t see you.”

24. “So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay.”

25. “I am not ‘blah,’ I am a hoot!”

26. “I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.”

27. “Seriously, good luck marrying me.”

28. “Tell him to e-mail me at www-dot-ha-ha-not-so-much-dot-com!”

29. “Could we be any more white trash?”

30. “Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”

31. “Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I’m a giant.”

32. “Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!”

33. “Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow, tin chest.”

Funny Chandler Bing quotes

34. “Paying me the 50 bucks can be the new thing you do that day!”

35. “Like what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checking out the Chan Chan Man!”

36. “I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work, and are sick.” 

37. “Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?”

38. “You have to stop the Q-Tip when there’s resistance!”

39. “Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”

40. “You didn’t ‘get’ me. It’s an electric drill. You ‘get’ me, you kill me!”

41. “Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”

42. “Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!”

43. “I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act. I mean, it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.”

44. Phoebe: “Why would you kill his fish?”
Chandler: “Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.”

45. Chandler: “An 80-foot inflatable dog loose over the city? How often does that happen?”
Phoebe: “Almost never.”

46. “So, I figure I’ll be a crazy man with a snake, y’know? Crazy Snake Man. And I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. ‘Run away from Crazy Snake Man,’ they’ll shout!”

47. I’m a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi, Rasputin!”

48. “You’ll be carrying their baby and giving them a Sony Playstation?”

49. “Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple. It opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.”

Iconic Chandler Bing comeback quotes

If there was one thing we came to always expect from Chandler, it was a comeback. Across the ten seasons of Friends, Chandler delivered some of the best comebacks not just on the show but in the history of television. You never knew what was going to come out of Chandler’s mouth and that was the brilliance of the character. He never failed to make us laugh and deliver epic comebacks to his friends’ remarks.

50. Ross: “She’s got to go back to London. But, you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together and then that’s it.”
Joey: “That’s what all my relationships are like.”
Chandler: “Yes, but in Ross’ case, they both know in two weeks that’s it.”

51. Janice Goralnik: “What a small world.”
Chandler: “And yet I never run into Beyonce.”

52. Joey: “You’re smoking again?”
Chandler: “Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I’m smoking still.”

53. Ross: “I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?”
Chandler: “Because you’ve only known her for six weeks. I’ve got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I’ve had a longer relationship with.”

54. Rachel: “Ta-da!”
Chandler: “Are we greeting each other this way now? ‘Cause I like that.”

55. Chandler: “I got her machine.”
Joey: “Her answering machine?”
Chandler: “No. Interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.”

56. Ross: “Don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard pecs?”
Chandler: “No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.”

57. Phoebe: “For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.”
Chandler: “I don’t think you can make that statement unless you’ve been kicked in the area, God only meant to be treated nicely.”

58. Monica: “And I assume Chandler, you’re still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.”
Chandler: “Yes every single one of them.”

59. Ross: “Okay, look. You don’t have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That’s not so scary is it?”
Chandler: “Depends on what you mean by ‘we.’”

60. Monica: “Hey. Where’s Joey?”
Chandler: “Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?”

61. Ross: “No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
Chandler: “Well, maybe he was nervous.”

62. Monica: “I think I’d be great in a war. I’d like, get all the medals.”
Chandler: “Before or after you’re executed by your own troops?”

63. Shelley Long: “Hey gorgeous, how’s it going?”
Chandler: “Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights—does it get better than this?”

64. Ross: “Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.”
Chandler: “Okay, but you’ll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we’ll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.”

65. Rachel: “Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!”
Chandler: “Um.. okay, the fifth dentist finally caved and now they’re all recommending Trident.”

66. Monica: “Wow, you are really fast.”
Chandler: “It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.”

Chandler Bing zigners

67. “If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.”

68. Joey: “Some girl ate Monica.”
Monica: “Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds!”
Chandler: “So how many cameras are actually on you?”

69. Ross: “PIVOT. PIVOT. PIVOT”
Chandler: “SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”

70. Joey: “I really need to organize my thoughts.”
Chandler: “Your thoughts? Plural?”

71. Ross: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”
Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”

72. “Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my 50s and my diamond shoes are too tight!’”

73. Monica: “Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?”
Chandler: “Why is your family Ross?”

74. Ross: “What are you doing tonight?”
Chandler: “Why, do you have a lecture?”
Ross: “No.”
Chandler: “Free as a bird, what’s up?”

75. Joey: “Okay, ducks are heads, because ducks have heads.”
Chandler: “What kind of scary clowns came to your birthday?”

76. Monica: “Okay, I’ve got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.”
Chandler: “How do you find clothes that fit?”

77. Ross: “That guy Mark from Bloomingdale’s. She thinks he’s just being nice to her, but I know he really wants to sleep with her.”
Chandler: “It’s seven years ago. My time machine works!”

78. Joey: “And – and – and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!”
Chandler: “So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!”