A dude’s Vanderpump Rules Season 7, Episode 1 power rankings
By Josh Tyler
12. Jax (last week’s ranking: 11)
We check in on Jax and Brittany at the start of the season with Jax telling us that in the dilemma between the dream job and the dream girl, he chose the dream girl. I think I speak for all of us when we say that everyone would have been better off if you took the dream job, but he claims to be a changed man. I have the Kermit the Frog “that’s none of my business” meme all loaded up for when he inevitably reveals that he has, in fact, not changed.
Wasting no time, Jax reveals that he is going to propose to Brittany because he realized that he way out-kicked his coverage with this girl after his dad died and she took care of him. He does do a very touching thing by spending the money his dad left him on a very nice ring for her and gives us a great moment by smuggling his ring box in his crotch. I am so beyond pissed that Brittany didn’t make a joke about how more flattering those pants were.
The proposal itself is…oh God it’s cringey. He drops to one knee after carrying the ring box on a plastic lunch tray like a little kid playing waiter as she’s holding a napkin, presumably after having just scarfed down a fry. As my girlfriend swatted me while watching, crying in agony at the spectacle of having this moment recorded by random customers, she gives a statement that may be the most perfect indictment of this moment “she didn’t even get to eat!”
11. Brittany (last week’s ranking: 10)
Brittany took her asshat boyfriend Jax back for…reasons. I mean hey, he made Brittany a turkey sandwich, in a neat little callback to past seasons so it’s all good right?
We learn that Brittany took care of Jax above and beyond the duties of any ex-girlfriend after his dad died which is what convinced him to straighten his act up and fly right. Given my knowledge of him, my knowledge of men in general, and everything that has happened in this one episode, I’d expect this will last about two seconds. But he’s at least acted like a decent enough dude that Brittany believes he has truly turned over a new leaf (Ron Howard’s voice: “he had not turned over a new leaf”).
However, we learn a bombshell that while Brittany and Jax were broken up, Brittany slept with her ex. Amazingly, she not only told Jax but he did not go on a rampage like John Wick when he found out.
Unfortunately, none of this derails the inevitable, the horror that has been creeping forward towards Brittany. Jax double checks how long it will take for his food at this outdoor seafood shack to arrive because apparently, that is somehow integral to this plot. As this is happening, my girlfriend who is my muse and co-author of this article, tells me if I ever propose to her over fried food she will murder me.
Finally, the moment comes. Jax goes to pick up his food, and instead of fried crab comes back with a little black box atop the plastic lunch tray. He gets down on one knee in front of God, and all the random people at this roadside restaurant, and asks her to marry him. And, as the last bit of her soul and my respect for her is consumed, she says yes.