Lifetime: Suburban Swingers Club superlatives

Suburban Swingers Club focuses on a young married couple who get in way over their heads in their new neighborhood. What were the movie’s craziest moments?

Have you ever been in a rough spot in your marriage, needed a quick fix, couldn’t find a way out, desperately wanted to keep your relationship together but were unsure of how to do so? Well meet Lori and Grant Mallick, a couple experiencing just that! They’re the stars of Suburban Swingers Club, Lifetime’s latest film about two suburbanites eager for a change of pace.

Warning: Spoilers for the movie ahead!

I decided to try something a little different this week than a standard play-by-play recap, I’m giving out awards (like yearbook superlatives) to some of the best moments, scenes, and characters in the film. Let’s take a look at some of Suburban Swingers Club’s craziest moments.

Best Shirtless Bod: Noah, obviously. Despite what we eventually find out about him, it doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate James William O’Halloran’s beautiful physique!

Creepiest Neighbor: Obviously, Noah is the star of Creep-ville but what about Derek? He barely has any lines all movie but it doesn’t stop him from lecherously eyeing up Lori and Grant on their very first swingers party.

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Wildest Way to Fix Your Marriage: Become swingers! Listen, I’m not judging, everyone has their thing. But the fact Grant thinks the answer to mourning the loss of a child is to sleep with other people on the regular seems pretty suspect. Was counselling too expensive?

Weapon of Choice: The golf clubs have it. First Lori uses it as a precaution when she suspects someone is in her house and then Olivia uses it to knock out poor Kat.

Most Step-ford Wife: Olivia! She barely says anything all movie. Mostly she just glowers at Noah. Of course when we learn why, it all makes sense but I’ll still hand this award to her.

Worst Apology Gift Ever: Wooden handcuffs? Come on Noah, stalkers are supposed to ease their victims into being stalked. Handing over a pair of ugly handcuffs is probably not the best way to earn Lori’s favor!

Person Most in Need of a New Perfume: Apparently Giselle wears super cheap perfume. Enough that it’s like a beacon of trouble and it’s how Lori figures out Grant was cheating on her.

Worst Furniture Maker: Listen, all of the furniture Noah made was ugly. Bless Lori’s heart for trying to make him feel better about it.

Best Promotion for IKEA: If Lori had worked in an IKEA instead of whatever furniture store she was at, Noah would NEVER have found her. Seriously, have you seen how giant IKEA stores are?

Weirdest Lingerie Choice: Lori has plenty of adorable outfits in this movie and Dana Davis is a gorgeous woman. But her pick to “seduce” Noah with? Perhaps one of the strangest lingerie outfits I’ve ever seen. It looked like something I might find in the Make-A-Sim area before I buy expansion packs.

Best Gerald’s Game Reference: Noah is left handcuffed to a motel room bed. We never did find out how he escaped…

The Refuses to Learn From her Mistakes Award: Lori suspected Olivia was the one who killed Noah, so she knows either Olivia or Noah was the one who drugged her wine. Yet she was STILL going to drink the coffee Olivia made for her, even after all of that?!

Most Lifetime-y Line: “It’s a shame about Kat, I guess she ran out of lives.”

Most Obvious Fake Fruit: I was distracted by the little plastic spines on all the hollow fruit in the bowl Lori uses to hit Olivia with.

Surprise Ending Twist Award: Honestly, I didn’t expect for Suburban Swingers Club to end with Lori and Grant getting a divorce. I thought the fact Grant was willing to go to jail for Lori might have helped ease the pain of him having an affair but I guess not!

What did you think of Suburban Swingers Club? Did you figure out Olivia was the real killer before the ending? Do you think Grant and Lori should have tried to stick it out or that divorce was the right option? Sound off in the comments below!

Lifetime airs new original movies every Saturday night.