The five biggest atrocities leaving Netflix in July

Traditionally, most wanted is linked to a criminal being captured and/or killed. In this case, the titles noted should implicate the people involved with creation of the films.

The following two movies collectively cause explosive bratwurst diarrhea. Neither should have been made in their current form. The only way they should be on Netflix is in a queue titled, “Because you hate yourself.”

Malibu’s Most Wanted

This movie is so bad, word is the military is thinking about using it for psychological warfare purposes. Early reports indicate it’s more effective than pulling fingernails and waterboarding.

Valkyrie

Tom Cruise is Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, an insufferable German officer during WWII who simultaneously wants to assassinate Hitler and cause viewers to align with Hitler. While Cruise desperately and unsuccessfully tried to be convincing as a German officer, he was trumped by the supporting cast.

The clearly Irish Kenneth Branagh, the unmistakably British Bill Nighy and Terence Stamp, and the impossibly miscast Eddie Izzard make the “based on true events (with considerable liberties)”-plot impossible to permit. British accents from high ranking officers who plan to unfurl an assassination plot somewhat concocted by a guy who is clearly from the U.S.

To make matters worse, the film attempts to portray many of the officers involved as suddenly in possession of a conscience when they just now learned about all the Jews being slaughtered. Bull. They knew, were complicit, and wanted to save their hides at the end, nothing more, nothing less.