The five biggest atrocities leaving Netflix in July

Two pump-fakes round out the five bombs leaving Netflix this month.

When you see something available on television or Netflix, you don’t ever want to be confused with another, lesser title. I’m still mad there are two Bad Boys movies. Well, here are two more that are sure to mislead and disappoint.

Monster-in-Law

Flipping through the channels one night you see Monster-in-Law and think, “Hey, I like that one! Charlize Theron was amazing! I can’t believe she sacrificed so much to look so bad. I’ll change the channel.” Then you see this rom-com (minus the com) tear an event horizon through your retina, and you feel an actual, physical pain.

Denial sets in, and you tell yourself this is just a part you forgot about. Or, better yet, it’s not Monster, it’s really Monster’s Ball, that awesome movie with BB Thornton and an incredibly thirsty Halle Berry. But no! J-Lo shows up on screen and you absolutely know the error of your ways, because you would remember ANY movie in which there was even the slightest chance of a ménage à trois involving Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez, and BBT. Also because J-Lo hasn’t been in a good movie since the year 2000.

Shame on Monster-in-Law for even making us change the channel.

Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Enough. We all get it. Depp wears guy-liner, prances around, sing-songs his accent, and generally looks like he smells like a litter box. Throw in a boat, a ghost, a hook, and blah-blah-blah. If dead men tell no tales, then let’s hope someone kills this idea so there are no more sequels.

Appreciation to the Netflix admins. With any luck, none of these five duds will return to any streaming service.