Real Housewives of Orange County power rankings: The OC gals return with a lackluster premiere

The Real Housewives of Orange County team returns with a boring premiere to its fourteenth season. We’re ranking the women from powerful to powerless.

First off, I want to thank one of our fellow writers, Reed Gaudens, for allowing me to use his brilliant “power rankings” idea! If you’re a Dynasty fan, his recaps are must-reads. But this system will be excellent for keeping tabs on the ladies of the OC on the fourteenth season of Real Housewives of Orange County.

For a landmark season premiere (this show has been on for fourteen years, can you believe it?) the first hour was a dull affair. The Twitter fight between Kelly Dodd and Tamra Judge was far more entertaining than anything that happened on-screen.

There was one notable absence, Vicki Gunvalsen, formerly the longest-running housewife in the franchise was given the boot down to “friend” status. We’re also introduced to a new housewife, Braunwyn. Will Vicki’s demotion help or hurt the show? Will Braunwyn be a good addition? I guess we’ll find out!

6. Emily

In this week’s power ranking, Emily sits at the bottom of the pile. This season she’ll be attempting to balance her motherly duties with three rambunctious children while Shane is away night and day studying for the bar exam. Watching Emily try to raise those hellions is all the birth control you will ever need.

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Also, WHY DID SHE/THE CAMERA CREW LET THAT KID KICK THE DOG IN THE FACE FOR SO LONG? I wouldn’t have blamed it for biting back. I admit I’m surprised Emily was asked back for season two. She didn’t offer much in her first season beyond her relationship with Gina and letting Shane help cause drama.

By the way, Shane is the absolute worst. He has the personality of a wet paper bag and seems like a genuine drag to be around.

5. Tamra

With Vicki gone, Tamra takes usurps her crown as the housewife who has been around the longest and stuck it out in the OC for more than ten seasons. She loses major points this week for re-introducing her creepy son Ryan.

Remember when he went on a transphobic, murder-y rant last year, and Tamra tried to brush it under the rug? Well, he’s back, and he gets the confessional time where he gets to spout more racist vitriol.

Why does Bravo think their audience wants to listen to him? He sucks, period. I found myself rooting for Spencer Barney in this case.

4. Gina

Oh, Gina, I did like you last season. What happened between then and now to make you sport such a hideous platinum blonde weave? I feel bad for her, although not too bad since she did get a DUI.

It appears Gina is genuinely remorseful of the incident, so we’ll see where things go from here. Still, she needs help. Hire this girl a glam squad, STAT.

3. Braunwyn

Enter the new girl, Braunwyn, no I didn’t accidentally smack my keyboard that’s seriously how you spell her name! But Braunwyn, or Wyn, for short, I think, is a breath of fresh air on the show thus far. Although I admit, I don’t care much about learning how she takes care of her SEVEN kids.

I give her props for telling her now-husband she didn’t want to work. Neither do I, Braunwyn. But I’d take the 40 hours a week over seven kids any day. Even Shannon likes Braunwyn, which is saying something because Shannon never likes the new wives, see Megan, Kelly, Gina, Emily, etc. need I go on?

2. Kelly

One of the funniest bits of the episode is Kelly going around calling feral cats “Pharoah cats.” Why? Because despite hating cats, Kelly wants to get one due to the supposed raging rat problem in the OC.  Who’s going to tell her the cat will bring those rats right to her doorstep as a late-night present? Also, I hope no one lets that woman buy a cat.

Don’t buy animals if you don’t actually like them, people, that should go without saying. (Side note: Did anyone else lose it when the owner of the cat sanctuary MEOWED on the phone?) Beyond that, Kelly has a new boyfriend. Cue the cartoon dollar signs.

I respect her hustle, though. Brian isn’t exactly easy on the eyes, but the plastic surgeon presents her with a pair of rare rose-gold diamond earrings, it becomes a little easier to see why Kelly is dating him.

1. Shannon

Fun Shannon is back, ladies! Shannon looks amazing. She’s down forty pounds now after plenty of hard work, but better than that, she appears to be much healthier mentally. I never thought Shannon looked bad. It was her mindset I found to be more concerning.

I’m glad she’s been able to get herself to a better place in her life and move on from David. She’s out in the dating world again, and Kelly pries at the “fan-favorite” guy she’s seeing, “Are you going to get it on like Donkey Kong?” I hope so. If anyone deserves to get her bed rocked a little, it’s Shannon Beador.

What did you think of the season fourteen premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County? Do you agree with my power rankings this week? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below!

A new episode of Real Housewives of Orange County airs August 13th on Bravo.