The Bachelorette recap: Lots of drama, two sledgehammers and tons of balls

THE BACHELORETTE – “Episode 1402” – ABC/Paul Hebert -- Acquired via Disney ABC Press
THE BACHELORETTE – “Episode 1402” – ABC/Paul Hebert -- Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

We’ve met all of Becca’s bachelors on The Bachelorette, and now it’s time to get to know them a bit better as Becca embarks on her first dates since her breakup with Arie.

The first group of guys who get a group date with Becca on The Bachelorette are Clay, Nick, Chris R. (there’s only one Chris, but this must be a way to distinguish him from Christian and Christon), Jean Blanc, Lincoln, David and Jordan. The men meet up with Becca at the Saddlerock Ranch in Malibu, CA. Because Becca was pampered on her first date with Arie, she wants to return the favor. But there’s a twist coming. Becca promises the guys will be “going through the ringer,” and she anxious to see who comes out the other side.

The suitors get to sip Champs while picking out tuxedos and shoes. There’s plenty of eye candy to enjoy as the men take off their shirts. It’s a sea of six packs for as far as the eye can see.

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Jordan is definitely in his element, and he makes sure to broadcast that fact that he’s a model every chance he gets. He has no doubt that when it comes to a challenge involving clothes, nobody can beat him. It’s really obvious that Jordan didn’t put any effort into getting to know Becca at the first cocktail party because she’s surprised to learn that he is a model.

Once the guys are dressed, the group heads outside to find former The Bachelorette couple Rachel Lindsay and her fiancé Bryan waiting for them. (I was hoping to see Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher make another appearance.)

Things are about to get physical as the men learn they’ll be participating in an event aptly titled, “Groom’s Day.” The first obstacle is called “Ball & Chain.” The men have to chain a 25 pound ball to their ankles and make it to the next challenge which is named “Cold Feet.” Here they have to submerge themselves in tubs of water for a designated period of time before moving on to “Slippery Slope.” This involves climbing a flight of stairs covered in grease.

(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press
(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

Once they complete this task, it’s on to “Get Over Your Exes,” where they must crawl through mud, grab a bouquet and drop it in a vase. Next up is “Cake Tasting,” where the men must search for two wedding rings buried in a cake using only their mouths. The two people who find the rings then “Race to the Alter” by crawling down the aisle where Becca will be waiting for the winner. Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!

Lincoln dominates with David coming in a close second. Several of the guys are convinced Lincoln cheated by getting out of the ice bath a bit early, but, hey, all’s fair in love and The Bachelorette. Lincoln’s reward is a kiss, a portrait with Becca and some one-on-one time.

Everyone cleans up for the usual evening festivities on The Bachelorette. Of course, Lincoln gets to pull Becca aside first as the winner of the obstacle course. The rest of the group is pissed off because Lincoln is not on a cheater, cheater, wedding cake eater, but he’s simply dominating this group date.

Becca presents Lincoln with a framed copy of their wedding photo. Now that Lincoln’s face isn’t all caked with mud, and he’s cleaned up, he goes in for a kiss. He tells the camera that smooching Becca is “like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold.” Barf, eliminate that cheese ball immediately, Becca.

As Lincoln canoodles with Becca, the rest of the men question if Lincoln is all but guaranteed the group date rose. Connor doesn’t think Lincoln comes of as “real.” He finds Lincoln to be over the top.

Lincoln returns and rubs the other men’s faces in his victory by placing the framed faux wedding photo of himself and Becca in the center of the coffee table. This doesn’t go over well with the other guys.

(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press
(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

Lincoln is forced to step back as Becca has conversations with her other dates on The Bachelorette Becca feels confident that the men are investing a lot and opening up. Things are getting real (as real as they can get on a cheesy dating show.) Connections are forming, and Becca is happy with that.

Meanwhile, Lincoln continues to be obnoxious, holding the pic, speaking to it, kissing it and generally acting like an obnoxious, overly confident ass. Connor confronts Lincoln about “dangling” the photo in their faces, and Connor eventually tosses the photo out a window, and you can hear the glass shattering on the pavement below. It winds up floating face down in the pool.

Lincoln is bummed out, but nobody can say he wasn’t warned. He’s not willing to make a scene, or get in a fight over the incident because his mama raised him better than that.

Lincoln does what any grown man would do, he goes running to tell Becca that he needs a new picture because Connor flung it out the window and into the pool. A confused Becca questions why Connor would do such a thing, and Lincoln fails to reveal that he used the prop to purposely piss the other men off. He downplays his role greatly in the whole confrontation.

Lincoln goes on to say that he feels physically threatened (whatevs), and that Connor must have no respect for himself or Becca to behave the way he did. Becca agrees Connor’s actions seem aggressive and extreme and promises to talk to him.

Alarm bells are going off for Becca that Connor would go this route so early in the game, and Connor has no defense other than Lincoln’s behavior rubbed him the wrong way. Becca also questions if Connor has done stuff like this in the past, obviously trying to gauge if she’s got a potential psychopath on her hands.

Becca gets Connor’s frustration but makes it clear she’s looking for a man who can keep his emotions in check; a man who can stay respectful and handle himself well. She wants to get to know him and not be distracted by a bunch of BS between him and the other guys. Things aren’t looking good for Connor.

Becca gives the rose to Jean Blanc. Lincoln is shocked and attributes not getting the rose on the drama with Connor, blaming the man for ruining his evening. I’ll refer to this moving forward as “Photo-gate.”

(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press
(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

With the first group date under her belt, Becca chooses Blake for the first one on one. Neither Becca nor Blake know what’s in store for them because Chris Harrison planned their day. They arrive at a warehouse in a grungy neighborhood and find Chris waiting for them holding a sledgehammer.

The first thing Chris does is remind Becca about her heartache. In order for her to move on and find love, he tells her she’ll need to deal with her past. Inside, there are a bunch of items that are connected to her past with Arie: a race car, monitors playing his proposal and the couch she and Arie were sitting on when he dumped her.

Making a totally random appearance is rapper Lil Jon who is on hand to instruct Becca that the time has come to purge all those Arie-related memories. Clad in serial-killer inspired jumpsuits and helmets, Becca and Blake go to town, destroying all the memorabilia. Lil Jon’s other job is to encourage Becca’s aggression, cheering her on. This has to be the weirdest first date in Bachelorette history.

Somewhere Arie is feverishly composing a tweet about how unfair this whole thing is.

(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press
(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

Afterwards, the couple sit down to dinner where Becca still can’t stop bringing up her first  one-on-one date with Arie. So, all that smashing and trashing wasn’t apparently as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind inducing as it was supposed to be.

Becca astutely explains to Blake how dating on The Bachelorette isn’t the same as dating in the real world. It’s imperative to get down and dirty and open up a lot more quickly. She recalls developing feelings for Arie much more quickly than she thought were possible. Rule #1 on a first date, Becca, do NOT talk about the dreaded ex.

We learn that Blake has a history of falling hard and fast. He and his last girlfriend proclaimed their undying love for one another after just two months of dating. He was certain this was the woman he was going to marry, but then he did some snooping on her phone and uncovered some texts that indicated he was on the fast track to Dumpsville — a non-stop ticket. But he’s fine now, even though he remembers every single detail, down to the day, when this all went down.

Blake who has an affinity for farm animals and lame clichés gets a rose. Becca can’t stop gushing, and Blake is definitely a frontrunner.

(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press
(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

The final group date includes: Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills and Colton. They load up into a bus and meet up with Becca outside of a local school. The dudes will be playing dodgeball because, ha ha, Becca really dodged a bullet with that loser, Arie.

The guys compete in the “Ultimate Dodgeball Bachelorette Championship” in an arena in front of a huge crowd. It’s off to a trampoline park where Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are serving up some color commentary. Becca reminds us that it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s all about having fun.

There’s a lot of balls flying, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

At this after-party, there’s far less drama than with Becca’s first batch of guys. Wills is lucky enough to lock lips with Becca. He is a smooth operator, no doubt winning her over with the revelation that his parents have been married for 50 years.

Colton has a bomb to drop. Prior to coming on the show, he had a relationship with Tia who was also a contestant on Arie’s season. Becca admits to feeling a bit sick after hearing the news. She’s attracted to Colton but feels like she’s in a very tricky situation.

Once again, Becca complains about feeling frustrated. The poor girl can’t get through these group dates without something to bring her down. Her excitement about Colton has waned. She hopes he’s here for her, but she needs some time to think things over.

Wills get the rose on The Bachelorette.

It’s only been a week, but the group dates have left Becca feeling down. She thinks she’s losing trust. Becca is very cautious about being blindsided.

It’s cocktail party time again. The guys work overtime to turn the vibe around. Connor presents Becca with a pic of himself to toss in the pool — a symbolic gesture that he’s a changed man.

(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press
(ABC/Paul Hebert) — Acquired via Disney ABC Press /

Jordan decides he’s going to find a way to standout from the other guys on The Bachelorette Screw that sitting down and getting to know each other nonsense. He strips down to his socks and undies throws a white button down over his shoulder because he thinks this will really give Becca insight into his “personality.”

He spends a lot of time trying to convince Becca there’s a lot to him, but what exactly that is never really clear. He wants to procreate and have babies that look just like him. Jordan likes to speed and live life on the edge. Who the heck could concentrate on anything this dude is saying when he’s hanging out and “smuggling grapes.” The lights are on, but nobody is home at Jordan’s house.

David, who is a personal fave of mine, takes Jordan to task for his nearly-naked antics, questioning if it’s just a tad disrespectful to show up in just underwear and a smile (and covered in a distracting amount of bronzer.) Jordan sees no problem with his behavior.

Colton reassures Becca that his sole purpose for coming on the show is to get to know her. Becca sees something in Colton she’s attracted to, but until she has more clarity, she doesn’t have much interest in investing in a relationship with him. A tearful Becca can’t get past the fact that Colton dated one of her friends. Her instinct is to send him home.

Rose time rolls around, and it’s time for Becca to make some tough calls. Rickey, Alex and Trent are eliminated. Alex takes the cut really hard, standing in the driveway shrugging and crying. Don’t fret, Dude. There’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

Next: The Bachelorette premiere: Who gets Becca's first impression rose?

Should Becca have sent Colton home? Do you think he’s shady? Was Jordan’s attempt to get Becca’s attention too over the top? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Tune in to see who Becca eliminates next time.