The Bachelorette recap: Jordan and David’s big showdown

On The Bachelorette, Blake and Colton begin to really fall for Becca. Chris’ relationship with Becca is tested, and Becca decides Jordan’s and David’s fates after a two-on-one date.

Bachelorette Becca’s search for Mr. Right moves to Las Vegas, which enables her to use terrible puns like “roll the dice on love.” Becca is also still struggling with trust issues after Jean Blanc’s faux declaration of love. Sorry, Becs, but fool me once, shame on Arie, fool me twice …

The first date card on The Bachelorette is for Colton. He gets to “ride off into the sunset” with Becca. Colton is confident the “Tia situation” is behind him, and he and Becca can move forward.

Becca gives him the requisite jump and straddle greeting, and the two go on a camel ride. Becca comments this activity is designed to help them get over the “humps” of their past relationships (I mean, who writes this crap?). This activity proves to be the opposite of romantic, and the bumpy, loud journey concludes with a completely uninspired dip in a hot tub (Yes, in the middle of the desert.)

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Becca definitely has chemistry with Colton. Out of all the frontrunners, she seems the most physically attracted to the former athlete. She tells him they’re “on the same page.” This should be page one, given how little time they’ve spent together.

It’s off to dinner, during which Colton reveals he’s only been in love once. He was the first to say “I love you,” and his girlfriend didn’t return the favor. The woman dumped Colton, so now he associates love with confusion and pain.

Colton wants Becca to know that he doesn’t just toss out the L-word lightly. Becca feels there are a lot of similarities between herself and Colton, particularly their breakups, but she’s bummed he associates the word “love” with pain.

These two aren’t particularly entertaining to watch together. He’s obviously gearing up to drop the L-bomb because he can’t stop talking about it, building it up to be this huge thing. The producers are also really trying to turn Colton’s history with Tia into a major obstacle he and Becca had to overcome. It wasn’t.

It’s no surprise that Colton gets a rose, securing his place for another week on The Bachelorette. Colton tells the camera he’s falling in love with Becca.

Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason and Chris get a group date which means the big two-on-one showdown between Jordan and David is finally here on The Bachelorette. Neither of them view the other as a threat. David thinks Jordan is an idiot, and Jordan believes David lacks charisma — both are correct. The upside is we’ll get at least one last monologue from Jordan which is sure to include some fantastic one-liners.

The guys meet up with Becca on a palatial Vegas estate. She promises them a date with some serious Vegas vibe, and out comes Wayne Newton. Wayne’s had more plastic surgery than all of the cast members of every Real Housewives franchise put together (okay, maybe more than Atlanta). Wayne’s taste is Vegas trashy all the way. But Sin City has been good to Wayne, judging from all the expensive cars and the private jet.

The Bachelorette is really phoning in these dates. The guys have to write a love song for Becca, something Chris already had to do during his three-way outing with Becca and Richard Marx. It kills me the fake reverence these dudes feign for Wayne Newton because there’s almost zero chance any of them knew who he was before being prepped by some producer (their lyrics must be sung to the tune of “Danke Schoen”).

The men also have to perform their songs in front of an audience. Clad in tuxedos, the boys have to belt one out in a Vegas lounge while a sequin-loving Becca looks on. The guys are all fairly terrible with the exception of Chris, who does a good job of winning over the crowd.

Becca hopes there won’t be any drama during the after party, and hope springs eternal. Chris is so confident about his performance (and his overall greatness) that he can’t be bothered to stress over getting alone time with Becca. And here’s where Chris goes off the rails in 3…2…1…

But, first, Blake steals the show. He lets Becca know how unfair it is that Jean Blanc told Becca he was falling in love with her when he wasn’t. Blake thinks Becca deserves a genuine moment, so he takes the opportunity to say he’s falling in love with her. There’s a whole lot of falling going on in this episode, and it isn’t out of bunk beds.

Becca tells the camera that she’s falling for Blake as well, and she knew it from the beginning.

After Blake and Becca spend a good chunk of time together, Becca returns to the group ready to call it a night. This means no one-on-one time for Chris. She gives the rose to Blake.

Chris is baffled, hurt and embarrassed. He’s shocked and tells the other guys that if someone wants something, they make time for it. Chris is convinced he’s going home this week. Wills and Connor think Chris is being overly dramatic, but Chris is ready to pack up and leave.

“Captain Underpants,” aka Jordan, and David head out into the Valley of Fire for their two-on-one date with Becca. Becca looks about as excited as anyone preparing to face a firing squad.

After a bumpy ride in a red Jeep, Becca and the boys end up on a canopied bed in the middle of nowhere. Becca tells the camera that these dates get a bad rep, but she’s happy to have the time to figure out if she can move forward with these guys or not. We already know at least one is going, going, gone, but It begins to look more and more like Becca’s finally been given permission to boot them both.

David gets to plead his case first. He decides to spend his time bashing Jordan, questioning the model’s motives. This is always the kiss of death. Jordan may be right in his assessment that David is obsessed with him.

David brings up that Jordan is openly talking about wanting to date other woman, giving the impression he’s “settling” for Becca. This reminds Becca of Arie telling her that Lauren called Becca the “safe choice.” David feels confident he’s totally blown Jordan’s chances with Becca.

Becca confronts Jordan who, of course, denies everything. Becca wants more depth from Jordan, so he opens up about his mom’s multiple mental illnesses. He’s a self-made man who came from nothing, and he’s learned about loyalty from watching his father stand by his mother for 27 years.

It would be easy to call BS on Jordan, but he’s not a good enough actor to make this up. Becca doesn’t seem as moved as she was by Garrett’s or Wills’ or Colton’s back stories.

Becca needs to take some time to process everything she’s heard, but it’s just an excuse to give Jordan and David an opportunity to go at it. Jordan confronts David. He claims his comments about other women were jokes, and David just has no sense of humor. Jordan full on denies ever stating anything about settling for Becca.

Jordan has plenty to say to David:

"Love is the greatest power on Earth. Being me is my greatest power. Do you get that? Being you isn’t your greatest power. That’s why you’ve got to talk about me. Do you understand that?"

Jordan goes on, screaming that David is “uninspiring,” and that he lacks “passion,” “charisma” and his “own personality.” Jordan accuses David of being worse than Arie. David remains calm, cool and collected throughout the exchange.

Becca arrives and informs the guys she’s frustrated with the way the day has gone. She wants specifics about the word “settling,” and David doesn’t back down, but he can’t commit to the exact circumstances when Jordan supposedly said this.

Becca feels like she’s back in sixth grade, and all the pettiness is preventing her from getting to know them and vice versa. Becca wanders off, and David and Jordan continue to argue.

Becca returns and says goodbye to David. She’s not ready to give the rose to Jordan quite yet. She wants to spend some more time with him. They take off, and David doesn’t get even a conciliatory hug. Jordan can’t help but smirk as he and Becca drive away.

Going into their evening together, Becca tells the camera that Jordan always makes her laugh, but that’s about it. She’s hoping they get a chance to dive deeper. It doesn’t go well. Jordan gives Becca a rundown of what he does in his spare time, and it’s all about the gym, skin care and his hair.

You can see Becca is immediately disappointed. Whatever glimmer of hope she may have had about Jordan dims and fades completely away. Jordan loves to talk about Jordan.

Jordan has no doubt he’s going to get a rose, and while Becca compliments him on his charisma, she makes it clear their relationship isn’t progressing as quickly as some of the others. No rose for Jordan.

Jordan is shocked. He can’t figure out why Becca doesn’t dig him. Jordan sums up his qualities best, “I can speak. I can walk. I’m fit.” What more could a girl ask for?

It’s cocktail party time on The Bachelorette, and Chris is still around. He’s decided to give Becca a chance to convince him to stay. Becca pulls him aside first. She’s heard about some of Chris’ comments to the other guys about not wanting to continue (this apparently came out during Becca’s date with David and Jordan). Becca wants to figure out where Chris’ head is at.

They jump right into it. Becca’s makes it clear she’s not fooling around. She’s taking this very seriously, picking apart every interaction and conversation.

Chris swears if he didn’t want to be with her, he would have left the night of the group date. Becca just doesn’t see Chris as a team player. She suggests he think about whether he’s in this to win it. She’s looking for an equal partner. He doesn’t hesitate. He’s ready to make that commitment. But Becca isn’t sure if she is anymore.

Once again, Becca’s frustrated. He bitches and moans to Garrett and Colton about the fact that Becca is doubting him. Garrett points out that Chris’ emotionally unstable behavior could be a deal breaker. Chris’ temper tantrum is biting him in the ass.  Don’t threaten to take your ball and go home, unless you’re ready to back it up.

Chris is going down in flames, but he doesn’t want to give up without a fight. He interrupts Becca and Wills and asks for some time. Becca isn’t inclined to budge, so Chris appeals to Wills who gives Chris two minutes.

Chris doesn’t get much of a chance to get back into Becca’s good graces before Wills returns. Chris wants more time, but Wills stands his ground, reminding Chris he’s already had his shot. The two look like they might come to blows, but Becca intervenes, telling Chris she’ll come find him later.

Chris eventually finds himself at odds with all of the guys. He gets defensive when they try to explain that he’s had his moment, and it’s not fair to infringe on theirs. This is typical Bachelor/Bachelorette drama. Nothing to see here. Just move along.

Becca makes good on her promise to find Chris. He admits he screwed up and begs Becca not to get rid of him. All I can say is that by the end of two hours, the sound of Chris’ voice is grating. Becca keeps Chris and eliminates John. The remaining guys learn they are heading to exotic Richmond, VA. Hey, Virginia is for lovers.

Next: The Bachelorette recap: Liar, liar pants on fire

Should Bachelorette Becca have sent Chris home? Do you think Jordan deserved a rose? Did David lie to Becca? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Tune in to see who Becca eliminates next.