What We Do in the Shadows Episode 3 recap: Wolf troubles

Colin Robinson finds a hunting partner and the trio feuds with a pack of werewolves on the third episode of What We Do In The Shadows.

Out of the three episodes of What We Do in the Shadows that have aired so far, “Werewolf Feud” feels the most related to the original film. Funny and random, taking advantage of the famous hatred between two fictional supernatural creatures. It plays out like a chunk sliced off the original 2014 film, unwrapped at a surprise party no one knew about five years later in unseemly wrapping paper like if your 10-year-old son with a Batman-themed party gets a gift-wrapped in Bachelorette Party-type wrapping paper.

The episode starts out with Laszlo showing off his topiary sculptures, one shaped like the God Anubis and another shaped like a bunny, and some additional sculptures shaped like the women he’s loved, including Nancy Regan, Nadja, and his mother. They all look horrible by the way. However, he smells werewolf urine on his mother’s topiary image and sets up a werewolf trap for when it comes back.

No dogs in the house

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The trap Laszlo set catches a fully dressed werewolf still in his wolf form that they bring into the house before the neighbors see, or their one human neighbor Sean. Their reaction to finding and having to touch the werewolf is similar to the way housewives in movies act when they find a mouse.

The Werewolf-Vampire truce from 1993 forbids them from killing him, so Nadja suggests they tie him to a tree in the park, but he wakes up before they can. It turns out the werewolves are just as ridiculously dippy as their undead cousins. He gives a sad attempt at pretending he’s not a werewolf, even though they just saw him, and dramatically jumps out the window like a James Bond character with the promise to return with his pack.

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Colin Robinson gets a temp girlfriend

This episode gives Colin Robinson, the fifth Beatle of the group, some much-needed attention even though he’s the most boring thing on the planet. While having his breakfast at the office, and breakfast is code for human energy, Colin meets new staff member, Evie. However, when he goes to drain Evie of energy, he finds himself unable too, and figures out she’s an emotional vampire, a vampire that tells sob stories and feeds on your pity.

How many drainage vampires are there exactly? Is there an incubus type vampire? A mental illness vampire? What made the writers for this show come up with a daywalker pity vampire? Were the Cullens from Twilight so unbearably pathetic that they inadvertently inspired the creation of a whole new species of sad vampires?

Colin and Evie compete over the still available people in the office until they confront each other after hours and have the most ridiculous battle in vampire history. Imagine that never-ending fight from They Live only in the air and without any thrown punches. They drain each other using their special powers, Colin recites pointless facts while Evie cries out pitiful sob stories, and they groan after each “assault” as if stabbed in the gut.

Eventually, they decide it’d be easier working together and they start a brief relationship that ends after only a few days when Colin deems their relationship unhealthy. It’s a shame, I really had hope for them.

The game of versus

The werewolf pack comes to confront the vampires, urinating on their lawn and destroying Laszlo’s topiary bunny. Nandor suggests they find an orderly resolution that doesn’t involve a massacre and pulls out the regulations of the Werewolf-Vampire Treaty that says both groups must pick their best warrior and battle it out.

There’s a moment of wonderful Twilight hate where the werewolves get angry over the misrepresentation the YA series gave werewolves, stereotyping them as Native Americans. They clarify Native American heritage has nothing to do with lycanthropy, though one of them is Native American, they also have an African American, a Carribean-Canadian, a Caucasian, and an Indian werewolf. These weres are here to stop stereotypes.

The groups meet on a rooftop where the biggest werewolf, Toby, and Nandor are picked as the champions. Because Toby has a good imagination, he doesn’t need the full moon to shift but can just picture it and transform, so Nandor is facing against a full shifted werewolf armed with nothing but a squeaky bone. Yep, you heard right, he has a squeaky toy bone picked from a table of supplied weapons.

Now, why anyone would include such an object among the list of approved battle devices is beyond me, but it does the trick. Nandor throws it over the roof and Toby jumps after it, falling to the ground below.

Shockingly he’s not dead and the vampires go home happy with their win. All except for Guierllmo who is finally coming to realize his vampire masters don’t care about him and will probably never turn him after they kept disregarding his safety during the werewolf fiasco.

I guess their plans to take over America has been put on hold. I wonder what would happen to all the werewolf packs if they ever do take over. On another note, will Guillermo ever leave the vampire trio? In the film, the familiar got sick of waiting and quit to find a new vampire. Maybe the same thing will happen.

The next episode of What We Do in the Shadows airs Wednesday night on 10:00 p.m. EST on FX.