What We Do in the Shadows Episode 9 recap: What happens during a vampire orgy?

In the ninth episode of the FX series What We Do in the Shadows, a vampire orgy is held at the house where Guillermo’s human friend is the planned dinner course.

This episode is weird, and not the usual What We Do in the Shadows weird. It’s as if the showrunners just listed every quirky sexual fantasy they ever had, no matter how embarrassing, and wrote it in the episode with a twist of vampire logic, all the while humoring the common mishaps that might take place during an orgy.

Orgies in films may look like a grand old-time with everyone moaning and flailing about, but it’d actually be a real mess. People will no doubt end up falling off the bed, knocking things over, and everyone would probably end up hanging around for hours drinking and wrecking the house. These are exactly the kind of disasters our vampires are prepared for as they prep the house for the upcoming orgy.

In vampire tradition, every year a single vampire household is responsible for hosting the annual orgy that hundreds of vampires participate in, and this year it’s their turn. Laszlo and Nandor are extremely excited, going on and on about how wonderful the orgies are, an event that takes Laszlo six months to recover from. Nadja on the other hand just stares at the camera as if she’d much rather be doing something else. “It’s fine,” she says.

Do you have protection?

Vampire orgies are apparently very messy and chaotic and according to Nandor, “is like pizza, in that even when it’s bad it’s good.” An event designed to be enjoyed by eight or more people, with a variety of toppings that’s a magnificent union of erotic pleasure that can last for years (all ways Laszlo and Nandor describe it). Something with such high expectations must, of course, be properly planned so the vampires spend all day preparing for the event.

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There are several things they must do to prepare, one is to cover the furniture with protective layers because there’s heavy ejaculation involved, so heavy it’s been known to break things. Next, they must gather every sex toy known to man or vampire kind. They’d like a mirror on the ceiling, but instead ask Guillermo to narrate everything with a megaphone, something that makes him very uncomfortable. Next, they must find a succulent virgin, which they always seem to have a hard time with.

Everything must go perfectly because there’s a social stigma tied to hosting a bad orgy that results in eternal humiliation. The worst one was held in 1937 by a vampire named Mike who known one dares speaks of. Many shamed vampires have been known to commit suicide, and according to Nadja, most of the regular bats you see flying around are actually vampires so ashamed of their poor orgies that they can’t bare return to vampire form. They’re shame bats, bats full of shame.

While searching the attic for sex toys, Laszlo discovers his old vampire-themed pornos from the late 1800s to the mid-1900s. The studios hired him because he looked like a vampire, not knowing he was a vampire, in a situation straight out of Shadow of the Vampire.

The pornos are incredibly boring and poorly made, I understand it was when films were still new but most had color and audio so his pornstar career lasted until at least sometime around the 1940s. Even Nosferatu had better visuals. They looked like films made in a garage by a purity church group that blushes at the mere suggestion of sexual intercourse.

To Laszlo’s utter shock, Nadja had the same criticisms and the man reacts as if she’s stabbed him through the heart. He’s an artist told by his muse that his art is mediocre and he retreats to his bedroom. Though really, how else can you tell your husband his pornos are boring and not hurt his feelings? Laszlo thinks Nadja just wasn’t following the plots.

A succulent virgin and an upset husband

While Nadja tries coaxing her husband out of his coffin, Nandor and Guillermo are at the store gathering supplies such as blood fountains and butt plugs, typical grocery items, when they run into Guillermo’s yummy virgin friend Jeremy. Nandor demands Guillermo bring Jeremy to the party, especially after the delicious meal gets a nosebleed and drips blood all over the floor like a baker sampling his best cakes.

You’d think Guillermo would be a good friend and not follow the order, but once again, he puts his idiotic vampire dream first and invites Jermey to the party. What a horrible friend. Why does Guillermo want to be a vampire so bad anyway? They’re not exactly the crème de la crème of supernatural creatures.

Meanwhile, at the house, the party is just about to start (one of the vampires from the Sassy Cat night club appears) but Laszlo refuses to leave his coffin, still upset over what Nadja said about his porn. Not until all the guests have arrived does he decide to leave his hubble and give the worst timed love declaration speech of all time.

Standing among his fellow leather-clad vampires, Laszlo professes his love for Nadja and suggests the two of them make up with a two-person orgy in their bedroom. Effectively turning the sexual mood sour, except for the one vampire who recognizes Laszlo from a porno and cheers.

Not even the arrival of Jeremy the virgin can keep them there because not minutes after he arrives he loses his virginity to a sex gimp. Guillermo is very pleased about this because he was starting to have second thoughts about feeding Jeremy to a house full of vampires.

In the end, the orgy is a bust, even worse than Mikes, but Nadja and Laszlo eventually make up with Laszlo’s promised two-person orgy in their bat forms. All is well even though their vampire names have been put to shame.

The next episode of What We Do in the Shadows airs Wednesday night on 10:00 p.m. EST on FX.