My Feet Are Killing Me Season 1, Episode 4: First to worst

My Feet Are Killing Me is causing nausea, saving future soccer careers, and serving as an introduction for the most attractive podiatrists on the planet.

The last episode of My Feet Are Killing Me involved a kick-stand, a massive big toe, some warts, and a gash nearly impossible to sew together. Can that be topped by the collective cases of a funky big toe, a huge bunion, and some extra toes?

Somehow Dr. Ebonie Vincent is way hotter and smiles even more engagingly this episode. For his part, Dr. Brad Schaeffer continues to look like a movie star who was intimate with the entire cheer squad of whatever college he attended.

3. Robert the wall-eyed nudist.

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Apparently being a nudist is like being a cross-fitter, a vegan, or a pilot. It’s the very first thing Robert mentions to Dr. Schaeffer. After removing his shoes, two things are very clear. One, Robert should be wearing socks so his toenails are not rubbing against his dirty shoes. That could be partly to blame for the pervasive fungus. Two, the other nudists would almost certainly allow him to break the rules by wearing socks.

His procedure is pretty simple. One needle, a little anesthetic, and the big toenail is yanked off. Cringe. Dr. Schaeffer breaks out a laser and fries the remainder. Robert mentions nudism another 26 times in his exit interview.

2. Chris needs toenail clippers.

First of all, dude looks like one of the Rob Lowe variations from the DirecTV commercials. Unfortunately, his big toe looks like it fell asleep and can’t stand up straight.

His bunion is so large that it’s forcing his big toe into the others. They’re so crowded they look like they’re throwing gang signs. West Side!!

After taking a quick peak at his feet, it’s pretty clear Chris has very poor foot hygiene. One of his toenails looks like a lightning bolt; so, he has no clue how to cut them.

Surgery time! Chris has his skin opened like a zipper, exposing his cleaned-chicken-bone-looking-bunion. My favorite part of the show: BONE.SAW. A quick sip later and the top of the bunion, which looks like the end of a hot dog, is shaved off. Then Chris starts to wake up!! He even told the anesthesiologist beforehand that he wakes up during surgery.

No worries, more drugs do the trick. Dr. Schaeffer then does Chris a solid and trims/straightens the pointer toe next to the newly slimmer big toe.

1. Waylon’s extra toes

Let’s be real here. I don’t care how many people walk into the shoe with barnacles growing off their feet. Any case with an infant is automatically number one. Waylon has 12 toes. Abnormal, right? Little man got it from his mother, who was born with not only 12 toes, but also 12 fingers. She’s sad about how people have reacted to it, but she should know better.

It’s polydactyly, which is a medical term for “Waylon’s parents don’t know how to control their child in a doctor’s office.” He also has teeny-tiny, extra toes. Post-x-ray, it’s clear that one of the extra toes is an inner-toe, and not an outer-toe. #6 needs to go on one foot, and #5 on the other.

Dr. Vincent has a very delicate surgery, causing me to wince the entire time. It’s amazing how quickly the first toe pops off. The inner-toe is a bit trickier, and looks like a bloody tooth when removed. There’s a bit of a scare with lack of blood flow, but Dr. Vincent massages the digit and it turns pink again. Success!

My Feet Are Killing Me returns next Thursday with at least one person who doesn’t clip their toenails, and another who has a legit issue.