‘The Santa Clarita Diet’ 14 Best Lines of “So Then a Bat or a Monkey”

‘The Santa Clarita Diet’ is quirky and surprisingly gut-busting. Sheila makes our food cravings look tame in comparison!

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Warning Spoilers!

What happens when a normal family of three have a mom who suddenly drops dead after a very generous spew session? The Santa Clarita Diet happens! It revitalizes Sheila Hammond (Drew Barrymore) and causes all kind of chaos for her poor, doting husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant), but her teenage daughter Abby (Liv Hewson) seems to adapt quite seamlessly.

So what’s a woman to do with a whole new craving for raw meat? Kill her slimeball new co-worker Gary and just try to make things work. The very first episode grabbed us by the balls and forced us to watch raw meat being devoured as well as a finger or two…and not in the sexy way. Who are we kidding, Drew Barrymore can munch on us anytime she wants!

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“Humping? Like that rescue dog did to that little girl at the Rite Aid?”

When we’re first introduced to the Hammonds, we learn that they’re an average family with a very strict sex life. Sheila and Joel are very much in love, they just don’t…hump as often as normal couples do as Sheila has a very method way of getting her groove on.

“Eric worships you. You’re the queen of his spank bank”

The Hammonds are smack dab in the middle of two competing cops, Dan (Ricardo Chavira) and Marcus (Senyo Amoaku). Dan seems the most suspicious of the two, poking his head in where it doesn’t belong while his wife, Lisa (Mary Elizabeth Ellis) is friendly and honest to a point. She simultaneously grosses out Abby and embarrasses her son Eric (Skyler Gisondo) with the line above, oh she also invites Sheila out for drinks that night. All in the same breath. This woman is intriguing! 

“Same. I mean, nice meeting you, not sorry I got yelled at. Well actually both.”

At work, poor Sheila is cornered by her boss all while being introduced to the new realtor at the office. She really needs to sell the Peterson house and her boss drives the point forward while raising his voice. Gary (Nathan Fillion) seems like a nice enough fellow who easily charms his way to a fun banter-filled conversation with Sheila. When Nathan showed on our screens we knew he’d be the first to die, it’s always the familiar face who’s the murderer in Castle so it only made sense!

“I just love the crown moulding there.” *Vomit sounds in the background*

So selling a house after a projectile vomit that out-did The Exorcist  is going to be really a really hard sale. But Sheila urges Joel to continue showing the house room by room while poor Sheila continues to spew all over the bathroom while the potential buyers listen in.

When Joel rushes to her side after the buyers leave, he finds her with no pulse but she wakes up by some miracle and is bright eyed and bushy tailed. Sheila is a forever changed woman, especially after vomiting a tiny pink organ.

“Are you a doctor Gary?” “No.”  “Neither am I. So let’s not dishonor that profession, which takes eight years of intense training by thinking we can give medical opinions, okay?”

Can we just say thank the giant mystical being that several religions worship for this line? Seriously, in a world where there’s so much information at our fingertips we all love to think we know everything but the truth is, unless we’re qualified we probably shouldn’t be diagnosing other people’s health problems. Yea, sounds like a wonderful idea. Especially if you’re Gary and you don’t quite hit it off with Joel. He’s also their direct competition for the Peterson house so he just has to go!

“My manager noticed that you’ve been staring at the stethoscopes for like, a really long time.”

Joel freaks out after finding out that he can’t hear Sheila’s heartbeat, so he runs to the store to find a stethoscope to help figure out what the heck is going on with his wife. We’re introduced to Ramona (Ramona Young) a twenty something year old girl who is barely trying at her job but she’s gotta make money somehow, amirite? We hope we see more of this deadpan character!

“Is the juice helping?”

So, Sheila’s been experimenting with her body as most zombies do and she find out that her blood has completely coagulated. Which is a pretty awesome side effect, unless you’re a normal breathing human being who is not used to seeing tar-like blood seep out of a wound. You’ll probably faint, then be treated to some orange juice by your zombie mother.

“She’s a zombie?” “I don’t like that word, I think it’s inherently negative.”

Abby knows just who to involve in their little secret, their creepy neighbor Eric who spunks over the thought of Abby. Yep, perfectly normal relationship there. He diagnoses Sheila as a zombie, yet being the PC guy he is, he doesn’t want to add a negative label to the very lovely Sheila. So they all decide to just call Sheila the Zombie, Sheila.

“That’s exactly what he said, only with less implied criticism…”

Ah good old narcissistic father figures, never taking their children fully for the value they’re worth. There’s always something their children can do to improve themselves, like spending less time indoors and on their computers. We’re glad Joel called Dan out for his criticism about his step son in his back-handed manner. Perhaps Joel is becoming more honest in result of Sheila’s transformation as well!

“I’ve been wanting one ever since this morning!”

Sheila decides after buying a Range Rover that she fancies hanging out with Lisa and her gal pals. We love how Sheila decided to buy a particular car in the span of 24 hours. You be you Sheila.

“Sweetheart, you bought a car and now you’re grinding on the neighbors. This is not who you are!”

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Does Joel feel left out from his wife’s antics? We certainly think so. Don’t worry buddy, you’ll be plenty involved a lot sooner than you hoped! After Gary trying to step in and play the good guy and white knight, Joel leaves in a huff.

“You are!”

The morning after, Joel is all riled up from Gary’s bull-headed-ness.  The toaster over breaks, so he tosses it out in the back yard, using Gary’s words to insult the poor broken toaster oven. Only problem is, Joel has to go out to try to buy a new appliance!

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“I feel like whatever I say is just going to make you push harder against my vagina.”

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Joel going out that morning leaves Sheila in the backyard for gardening and in struts Gary. He’s a total slimeball who doesn’t take no for an answer and continues to press against Sheila’s crotch with his own. He has no idea who he’s messing with!

“I really want to make this work.”

Joel comes back in a huff from the grocery store and demands to speak to Sheila about her impulse behavior. Only when he comes out of the back sliding door, he finds a half eaten Gary with Sheila face deep in his bowels. Sheila knows what it looks like and tries to remind Joel that she’s still his wife. What a great way to end an episode!

Season 1 of Santa Clarita Diet is currently available for streaming online now at Netflix.