The Wayward Podcast Episode 7, Wayward Mood: Stop!

Sometimes we get into a mood, a wayward mood. This week on The Wayward Podcast Kim and Briana talk about how it can just happen sometimes, what we experience, and ways we can choose to approach the situation.

The Wayward Podcast always seems to know what I’m thinking. More often than not, I find myself experiencing the thing while they’re talking to me about the thing. Even as I sat to write this post, I was edging my way toward a cliff of irritation with all the things in my head fighting each other for priority. A few sentences in, I feel a lot better doing the thing I want to do.

But that isn’t always the way it goes, is it? As Kim and Briana pointed out, sometimes we’re just salty. Or, just plain grrrrr. When that mood strikes, which it totally does all by itself sometimes, what do you do? Episode 7 of The Wayward Podcast gives us some thoughts.

Kim went first, explaining her tendency, like many of us, to just go ahead and make it worse. Yes, this is basically a human truth, right here. Comedian Dane Cook does this excellent segment that I always go back to in my head. It’s that feeling you get once in a while that feels like the world taps you on the shoulder and says, “it’s me, the world,” and it has a message for you: “you’re gonna cry.” It’s OK, you did your best.

From that point forward, it’s just a waiting game until the tears escape. You’ve overdone it, you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed. You know you’re gonna cry so you start looking for a good opportunity to let it happen, hoping to prevent that dreaded misplaced meltdown.

Once you get that moment, you cry. Cook talks about how he then feels compelled to go into the bathroom and look at himself cry.

He watches as his face crinkles up in pain and then the inevitable, which is what Kim made me think of with her point. He says he starts thinking of all the other things that ever upset him. He thinks about that one party he didn’t get invited to in middle school. He thinks about that girl he liked who probably thought he was such a dork.

I think Kim was more referring to the reactions we have and how they feed the mood. But this was a funny twist on the same idea. No matter the method, many of us first take the step to feed into that mood and make it worse.

STOP!

Our first thought is to rebel because we are hurting and that sucks. We might put out that “back off” vibe, or just reject anything that could remotely soothe us. Yes, that means the people who are unfortunate enough to be near us, as well. This is the move we do that ends in regret.

Tony Robbins talks about how that isn’t really acceptable because it’s preventable. Kim mentions this as well, they talk on The Wayward Podcast about this point toward the end of the episode. We are in control of this situation, whether we want to believe that at the moment or not.

Regardless of that fact, though, we often have that attitude that says, “STOP!” or as Kim put it, the bratty voice in our head saying, “Nah!” to everything that comes at us. She mentions how Briana, her BFF, knows all about this mood in her. When she sees that Kim is in that state, she knows that bringing her an idea has to come with, “Don’t answer now..”

Briana talks about how she has an opposite, but equal reaction when she gets to that place. She feels like whatever is going on has to be remedied immediately. While Kim initially comments that she loves that quality in her, we hear that what Briana has come to understand is that it comes from her own discomfort with the situation.

Briana takes the “STOP!” approach from a different angle. She wants to make the thing better, even if the other people involved aren’t feeling it. “I will lock somebody in a room and force them to have communication with me.” While Kim thrives from the “Chase me, chase me” vibe, Briana’s conditioning says “Nope, nope, you can’t leave.”

The Wayward Podcast talks about how all of this is snowballed when we put up these defense lines, pickets if you will. We say, “No, this is not acceptable,” and it doesn’t generally bring us the outcome we need to move through the mood. As Kim said, it can make things much worse.

Briana took us back to her college years when she says she didn’t care what other people thought of her, that it was something wrong with them, not her. While, as an adult, she realizes that doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with the other person, she now strives to remember that mindset.

She continues to try and remind herself, especially in those moments, that if someone doesn’t come to her with a problem, even if it’s about her, then it’s not her problem. Even though she feels compelled to try and find that solution, even against their will, she recognizes that it’s merely her discomfort with the situation and it may not be the right path to take.

Kim tells us that she has had the same struggle in her life. She has often felt bad because of what others think of her or based on a situation that involves her. What she knows now is that she no longer has the compulsion to feel like if someone has a problem with her, then it’s a problem. Like Briana now feels that she can see things from another’s point of view and that helps her a lot when it comes to taking the step back.

What they both agree on is that when the mood strikes, barring instinctual reactions, the best thing is to stop.

Collaborate and listen

We learned from The Wayward Podcast, both women have their techniques for dealing with a mood. When we’re feeling salty, stressed, or otherwise affected, they agree that the first action should be to make ourselves stop. After that, they have their own ideas of what to do next, but it equates to the same thing.

Kim talked about how differences can become weaponized. This was so great to hear because it makes tons of sense to put it this way. “If you’re not on my side, you’re not just different, you’re actively hurting me.” This is something we’ve surely all experienced during conflict.

But as Briana reminded us, we all deal with conflicts, triggers, and anger in our own ways. What works for us may not work for the next person and if our true goal is to make the problem feel better, to diminish the mood and start thinking with our brains instead of being led by our emotions in that moment, we have to collaborate.

The first thing we can do to start this process is to listen. Not only do we take the time to calm ourselves to be able to do it, which ultimately pulls us from that emotional cliff we’re experiencing, but it puts the focus on another side of the issue. But this only works when there’s another person involved with the mood or problem.

Sometimes it’s just us and our brains. Both Briana and Kim made mention of the “stories” their brains are running subconsciously when they get into this state. Kim says that the story in her head gets its groove on and takes her away from a solution, and Briana added, reality.

Though we seek a connection with the world in a positive way, our brains sometimes tell us to “punch faces and run” for a variety of possible reasons. But ultimately, knowing that we are doing this to ourselves, making these conscious choices, is not just about taking responsibility for our actions like big girls and boys. It also gives us the understanding that we have such power over our environment, minds, and bodies that we can also undo this mess.

While we can’t control those around us, truly, we can control ourselves. I always, constantly reaffirm this to my kids when they are doing their mood. What I tell them, as often, is that the same thing happens to me, it’s a lifelong challenge.

We will get in moods; we always will. But what you do with that is truly a choice. Sometimes it’s the hardest feeling in the world, but it is just that, a feeling.

Fake it ’til you make it

I once had the excellent opportunity to interview a very successful charity founder. He took an idea and ran with it, making a huge dent in music opportunities for children in schools. I achieved a phone appointment and asked him some stuff.

When asked for three pieces of advice for someone working to build their own foundation, one thing he said was, “Fake it ’til you make it.” He also told me, “You can’t boil the ocean.”

These two things work hand in hand when dealing with a mood or a problem. On The Wayward Podcast, Briana and Kim gave us their advice and shared their methods for moving through the salty times in life.

Briana talked about a great thing she calls “stop, drop, and roll.” It works for fires, right? Why not an emotional blaze?

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She says that after she stops, she moves to the drop. She drops the issue and diverts to another thought. It’s important to clarify, it doesn’t have to be a positive thought. The idea is simply to move sideways, instead of down.

While that one thing is an active story, it will escalate and continue. But if she works in another direction, the urgency around the first issue dissipates. Once that happens, she can move back to it with a more useful perspective.

Kim agreed, she gets to where she just says to herself, “OK, this is an experience you’re having. Give yourself “smart feet.” What she means is, maybe we can’t solve the problem right now. Maybe there’s another person involved or maybe we just don’t have the capacity to manage it at this moment in time. Or maybe there is no solution at hand and we simply have to endure this thing.

This is the “fake it ’til you make it” phase. Kim says this is a time she will ask herself what she would be doing if this thing wasn’t a factor. Cooking? Hanging out with our kids? Whatever it is, just go do that instead. Briana’s method calls for the same action in that while we are doing the sideways thing, our emotions will soon fall in line and we will be ready to try again, if it’s possible.

The other piece of advice, “you can’t boil the ocean,” heavily applies to life, all the time. When you have something huge in front of you, it can seem and even literally be impossible to handle as a single item. When you try to boil the ocean, it will take a lot of heat and a lot of time. But if we simmer it cup by cup, we make progress all along instead of having to frustratingly wait for the big payoff.

A little help, here?

One of the constant themes of The Wayward Podcast is that we don’t have to feel alone in anything. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, cramps are a universal truth we can talk about if we want to, everyone has fears. In any of these cases, it’s sometimes critical to use the developed skill of knowing when to reach out your hand and ask for help.

The final phase of both Kim and Briana’s plans is to reach out. We’re not in need of someone to do our life for us, but sometimes we need to be uplifted. We’ve meditated, we’ve isolated, we’ve taken a nap, eaten lunch, taken a step back. When you get past all those points, it may be a good time to seek help outside.

Sometimes it’s looking in that helps bring us around to a calmer, rational place where we can solve or move away from our problem or mood. But sometimes it’s about hearing other words. Kim says she likes to either pray or call a friend. “Sometimes I need to hear words in my ear, sometimes I need to hear words in my heart,” she explained. It makes tons of sense.

Briana takes on the “roll” of her method here and remembers the words of their mutual friend, “You can’t get help if you don’t ask for it.” She asks herself, “Who am I going to help by doing this thing I don’t want to do?” She rolls into something positive, and sometimes she needs a deep breath and a friend to help her get there.

Kim says she tries not to push her saltiness on others by taking a deep breath and responding from a place of love, even if the answer is “no.” Gradually, she will waver from her mood and may go from her self-proclaimed “bratty voice” feeling of “Nahhhh!” to “probably not,” to “maybe.” And like we learned in episode 5 of The Wayward Podcast, maybe can take you a lot of places.

Even if you don’t know who to call or reach out to, remember that you’re never alone. The Wayward and Supernatural families (together and independently!) are truly a ball of acceptance and understanding. It may not be someone across the table with a cup of coffee, but I can personally tell you that these groups can really lift a spirit.

Tony Robbins says that when you’re grateful, you can’t be angry, you can’t be worried. There are lots of things you can do to change your mood, and even set it up ahead of time. Even when that hand you’re reaching for can’t be a physical one, or if you just prefer it isn’t, just keep pushing (or stop pushing).

Stay or get calm, find your thing, remember that this too, shall pass. We all get in a mood, we’re all a little wayward. Carry on.

What was your favorite part of this week’s episode? Do you have a technique for when you’re feeling salty or grrrr? Let us know in the comments below or send us a tweet!

The Wayward Podcast airs new episodes on Mondays at noon eastern time. Listen live or check out archived episodes on Podbean.