The Wayward Podcast Episode 25 recap: Wayward Burnout

The Wayward Podcast brings us Wayward Burnout. Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster tell us their thoughts on what it is, and how to deal with it (or avoid it!)

Burning the wayward candle at both ends? You know what it means. No, I’m not talking about doing a trick in your Hotrod or even indulging a little too often in herbal refreshments. I’m talking about the wayward state we enter when we’ve gone just too darn far.

Many of us have had this feeling before, whether by overzealous initiative or through extending our availability beyond acceptable limits. You might think of a college student studying for finals or a new mom who just wants to find time to take a shower today.

While some episodes of The Wayward Podcast can get incredibly deep, this one goes straight to the point and the topic is simple. Burnout is real, and burnout is big.

Kim and Briana take us through some of the ways a person can hit that limit and what it can mean when we do. Is it a bad thing? Is it a lesson? Will we learn anything this time? And more importantly, how and why does it happen (and end)?

If you’re not up to speed on the episode, please feel free to take a quick break and head over to listen to “Wayward Burnout” before you go on. As always, we’re going to dig into what was said and therefore it’s spoiler city.

If you need or want assistance enjoying this, or any episode of The Wayward Podcast, you can always find a link at the very end of our posts. That link will take you to a treasure chest full of transcribed and translated versions of the podcasts to catch you up on these wayward stories we all hold dear.

When you’re ready, let’s click through to hear more about how we, as humans, might happen to reach this state. We’ll hear our wayward hostesses talk about their own experiences, their tools, and their understandings of what it all means when we escalate to burnout.

What?

So what is burnout? Kim and Briana made the distinction that it’s not the same as being so darn tired that you “can’t even.” That, we all understand, for sure. But this is more — wayward level more. We get exhausted from using energy, certainly. But when we give more of ourselves than we can spare, lacking replenishment, we can experience burnout.

Again, this is not just about being tired. We can rest and get all fresh again when that is the case. But burnout is different. We’re talking about consistently giving our love and energy to activities, matters, and feelings that cannot give us anything back. Emotional stresses, or even overwhelming excitements.

Both of our wayward hostesses mentioned social media as one of the possible causes that so many more people are experiencing burnout in our time than ever before. Kim gave an example of falling down the rabbit hole (you know what this is, don’t you? Don’t you!), and maybe just staying there a little too long.

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She said that she eventually had to take the news alerts off of her phone for this very reason. Some might spend a great deal of time every day looking into the dating habits of celebrities, some might follow the political polls. No matter what your poison, it’s just that.

And that’s not to mention what Briana talked about. Having such access to the world comes with the side effect that the world also has such access to us. She said that it’s hard for her at times because being constantly available gives her a sense that she has a responsibility to respond.

Kim agrees that social media has helped create higher, less attainable expectations. And along with that, it has given us those rabbit holes that we often choose over the time we could be using for self-care and introspection.

In other cases, it’s a result of taking on too many ambitions or commitments at one time. Briana addressed how the last year has been a huge one for her. It was filled with excitement and opportunities to realize some of her longest-held dreams and goals.

But she finally saw after an onset of some remarkable anxiety attacks and finally a decision that she was cooked, even the most joyous and satisfying events can still compound and be overwhelming.

Even with the best of wayward intentions, we can find ourselves at a point where we’re simply unable to function. Yet, how can we manage? We have commitments, expectations, things that we feel we still must do.

And at the end of the day, the hardest part to accept is that, in almost every case, we’ve created this world ourselves. Kim touched on this with the topic of self-sabotage. We have many ideas of what this term could mean, and it tends to come with a negative connotation.

But this is not usually the case. In most circumstances, the sabotage is not intentional. Often, it happens in the course of taking steps we believe are positive and uplifting for ourselves and those we cherish. But, as Kim said, nobody lies on the floor, burned out, happy. It may have been fun at first, but too much of anything is still too much.

The likelihood is that, all along the way, every action and thought was a hope of reaching a place we’d love. People often burn themselves out because they over-commit to things they feel do, or will, bring them joy, one way or another. But once we hit the wall or floor, we start to see things differently.

How?

How does it happen, you ask? I think you know. I think we all know. But the bottom line, what makes it so wayward, is that we do it anyway. That’s right, we almost always choose this path to burnout. Sure, sometimes it happens to us when we didn’t see it coming. Or so we’d like to believe.

In retrospect, however, we can look back and see all the signs. Each sigh of fatigue, each wrinkle of the brow as we give more and more of our energy into something that we hoped would fill a hole or meet a goal. Every smile we gave as we continued to give our time to those we love, even though we are putting our self-care aside to do so. All voluntarily disregarded in the interest of the greater good.

And what would I have you do instead, you ask? Should you not take care of your most precious grandchildren while their parents go on a much-needed night out? Should you say no when you are asked for a ride to the movies? Should you turn down that dream interview? Which of these things can be eliminated from your lineup?

You will probably say the same thing I would — none of them can be eliminated. I can’t find it in myself to say no, to miss that event, or to turn down the amazing opportunity. I can’t not be there and do what is needed or wanted of me when I certainly am capable. Why would I say that I can’t, when I literally can? And so it begins. This is the how.

And if you do make the wayward choice not to go forward with this commitment or that one, what will become of you and yours? Will you let someone down? Will you lose that chance to star on Supernatural? Perhaps. Can you live with that? Can you go on? That is where the self-sabotage comes into play. You must decide.

Making seemingly impossible decisions or trades is where we all have our weaknesses. Many of us will do the likely thing and just push through. Of course, we can make it; of course, we can find time; of course, we will survive and we will even probably have fun. None of these things we are doing feel like work or have a negative outcome.

We love to be with our grandchildren, we love to see the smiles when our kids get to go to the movie. We are over the moon when we win the Oscar. Yes, we are. Because we are feeding our egos and our egos are hungry.

Briana brought up ego when Kim told us about the voices in the back of her mind that still chime in from time to time. That little whisper that sprinkles the feeling of negativity through your veins when you determine that you do, in fact, have a physical or emotional need or want.

“Shame on you for needing something, you’re stronger than this, you can keep going, don’t be silly, don’t be selfish.” We hear them from time to time, even if we don’t intend to listen. And it’s important to know what it is we’re hearing, and where it’s coming from.

Kim also said that she now understands those little voices in her head are capable of lying. She has spent time over her years, learning to ignore them or disregard their advice to her. Splitting those thoughts from true self-wisdom can be challenging. This is where Briana discussed ego.

She said that the little voices (she calls them the ego), feed on two things — compliments and negativity. Unfortunately, if you relish in one, you will relish in the other. This is why it’s such a challenge to keep it at bay, to not feed the ego.

Not only would we have to seek to disregard our negative thoughts, but we also have to seek to disregard the excitement from compliments and reward.

The balance of life is inevitable whether or not we choose to accept or participate in it. As a result, it is believed that seeking that reward and believing it makes us more worthy or accomplished, places us in the mindset to need it.

And in return, we also believe the same voice that tells us we are not good enough without it. To disregard one, we must learn to disregard both. Ignore that voice.

So what?

What wayward thing can we do? How can we avoid burnout? Well, it’s not always going to be a foolproof plan, even with the best of intentions and measures in place. Because of our human nature, we are likely to find ourselves facing these possibilities time and again. But is that always a bad thing?

Kim theorized, what if this is a means to an end, a lesson for us on how to proceed from here? Is burnout simply a tool to take us to a higher place for the next parts of our journey in life? It’s possible. But as Briana discussed, it could be a lifetime for some, if ever, to learn those lessons.

At the same time, Kim talked about a 15-year old who has the wisdom to say, “I think I’m not going to care about that anymore.”  That young person will be better off than his or her adult friends in many ways. This is the lesson from which any of us could benefit. We can change our focus and be more balanced, healthy, and self-loving.

The fact is, you don’t have to say no to any of these things! You simply have to learn how to see the signs, and how to strive for balance. And if the time comes to make tough choices, a few things can help you set up your own limits:

1. Ask yourself why you’re doing the thing. Are you giving of yourself for free and for fun? Is this one of those things that is simply to feed your ego? It’s an extreme challenge to put that desire aside because the ego remains hungry and persuasive. Finding the truest inner drive for the thing will help you determine if it is something you can, or even should do without.

2. Ask yourself what will happen if you don’t do the thing. Is this thing a thing that is a need? Have you made a commitment that will cause someone suffering if you don’t follow through? Even yourself? For next time, ask yourself before making the commitment, why am I planning to do the thing?

3. Ask yourself if you’ve had enough (or too much) of the thing. From ice cream to rides to the movies, you have to draw lines. If you continue to just go with the flow, you will inevitably end up adrift.

While there are many other tools to guide you along the way, using the most basic thought process about it will get you moving in the right direction. Kim’s quote, “burn candles, don’t burn out,” is the first thing to keep in mind.

In order to avoid burnout, it’s not all about saying no to things you want to do. What truly matters is making sure that you make time for your self. You need to rest, replenish, “check in with yourself,” as Briana put it.

Kim made an amazing point that if someone told you your leg was broken, you wouldn’t laugh that off and run a few more miles. Briana reminds us that our feelings are not a pretend thing and tending to them, as much as we do to our visible body, is critical.

Our emotions are chemicals running through us, exhausting us and using energy. Using more and more without refilling the source will leave us with a spiritual broken leg. Kim said that when we know we are tapped out emotionally, we must stop or we are in danger of our own demise.

Because, if you don’t, Kim explained what will happen. Your mind needs the feeding no matter what you do. If you don’t give it a healthy, deliberate boost, it will take from other places. Then you know what comes next — your mind will destroy your body and eat your heart. Then you’ll digest yourself like a leviathan. Get the bib.

She said the tendency to go on and on, knowing you are at a wall, is the result of character defenses, as she calls them. The more we go on, the better we can start to identify those endpoints when it’s time to turn back for an emotional refill time. In the long run, we hope to avoid falling off the edge because we see it coming, and heed it.

And so

And so, our friends at The Wayward Podcast have concern for our well-being. They want us to remember that emotional health and physical health run hand in hand. There are ways to stay in or return to health. And if it’s tough, we should never hesitate to ask for the help we need.

Whether you want to change because you have reached burnout, or if it’s so you can avoid it, it is important to find change when it is called for. “It is important, and it’s not a weakness, to check in with yourself and say, it’s time to take a break.”

Briana reminds us also that self-indulgence isn’t the only type of self-sabotage. It’s also just the sense of or condition of “not enough.” It isn’t just when we do things that put us in a bad way. It’s also about not doing or taking what we need to be replenished from giving of ourselves.

We can get tired and exhausted, and that in itself is not burnout. However, the two states can come together as one. It’s quite unlikely that you will burn out and not feel that you must rest, physically. Remembering that our emotions and our body are a pair will keep us in check.

Both Kim and Briana agree you can’t think “Oh, I’m so emotional today,” and not associate it to what you are putting in your body. If you don’t eat well, rest, and exercise, you will wear down.

In the other light, if you spend a lot of time feeling emotional, the reverse effect comes. The trauma of emotional burnout will take energy from your physical body, as well. The cycle can go on and on.

Briana thought she had insomnia because of her burnout, but the burnout was causing the anxiety, as well. And this is one other important point. Burnout isn’t a simple event. It isn’t as though you say, “Oh, I have reached burnout, I’d better take a nap.” The state of burnout will persist until the conditions are repaired. For some, that day may be far away.

Like for Briana, those who take this feeling and say, “how can I resolve this enough to get back to my business?” this continued state leads to anxiety, illness, and general disrepair. It also continues to grow and get harder to resolve when the time finally comes.

So, let’s take that advice from our friends at The Wayward Podcast. “Burn candles, don’t burn out.” Schedule in time for yourself while you plan out your busy dedication of time and energy. Next to your many trips up town for friends and family, your appointments, your big opportunities, and award ceremonies, make time to nap, read, or take a quiet walk.

Make time to turn yourself off for a while. Turn off your phone for just one hour. If you have trouble with this, give warning to those who you think will mind. But Kim says, “when you stop people pleasing, people stop being pleased.” You will find some who do not accept your testament of self-love. That is OK.

Those who would deny you this personal wellness are either going to get used to it, maybe even follow in your footsteps, or they will fall away and you will be better for it in the long run.  Remember that those who love you want you to be well, content, and whole. If that is not something that they desire for you, perhaps you have more to think about than you knew.

So remember, dear friends, be loving to others, but also yourself. If you are not fed, you have nothing to give. In order to go out and keep giving your energy to the world, to your dreams, to your loved ones, you must give it first and consistently to yourself.

Remember what happiness is for you and remember how to be part of it. Burn a candle (only at one end), don’t be a leviathan. Carry on, my wayward friends.

Have you ever reached burnout? What got you back on track, or are you still pushing through? Tell us your experience in the comments below, or send us a tweet!

The Wayward Podcast airs new episodes on Mondays at noon EST. Transcripts and translations are available here!